Tales of Dissidia
by Dark Cyradis
Summary: So what manner of hilarity ensues when our heroes and villains are left to mingle at the Dissidia Welcome Party? What alliances and grudges form or persist? Most importantly-who do the heroes decide is the coolest villain of them all? PG for language. AU-ish.
1. The Welcome Party

"Tales of Dissidia"  
By DarkCyradis  
Edited: 7.28.12

* * *

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof. Tetsuya Nomura owns himself and does not in any way, shape or form, resemble the fictional characterization included in this story.

Notes: I started writing this before the Onion Knight had been announced as the hero of FFIII, so Luneth is in here instead. (gomen!)

Warnings: Sheer crack. Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; SquallxRinoa fans, please don't be offended-the poke is nothing personal; just thought it was a funny thing for Squall to get boozy about… ^^;;;

* * *

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 1: The Welcome Party**

[In a high-ceilinged reception hall decked for a lavish and good-sized cocktail party, a gong suddenly sounds. There are two sets of very tall double doors facing each other across the wide room; one of them creaks ponderously open and a colorfully attired, mismatched group enters. They are not speaking amongst themselves and appear to be strangers. Though they were all required to check their various weapons and firearms at the door by a very polite but passive-aggressively insistent clerk, the group remains tense-looking, as though unfamiliar with their surroundings and not fully comfortable in them.]

[As they pass into the cheerful-looking party room, each eyes the place and his fellows suspiciously, until the sound of someone clearing his throat makes them all look up. The smiling dark-haired man in the fashionable black suit who has led them into the room has now turned to address them. He lets his gaze sweep fondly across the entire assembly—nine men (though two look closer to boyhood than manhood) and one young woman—before beginning to speak.]

Tet-chan: Well, enough of the formalities, my friends! Now that you've all been debriefed about what we'll be doing here on Dissidia for the next week, it's time for a little relaxation and festivity! I'm sure some of you still have a few questions—

[He breaks off suddenly as the Bluetooth earpiece attached to his left ear buzzes to life; listening for a moment, he mutters, "just a sec," and turns an apologetic smile toward the group]

Tet-chan: I'm sorry, there's a bit of extremely urgent business I must attend to right away. It seems your compatriots are getting a little antsy, and you know what happens when villains get antsy! [he winks and then gestures to the expansive open bar along the far wall and a long buffet table along a side wall brimming with platters of gourmet canapés] I'll be back after I give them their debriefing too, so please enjoy some drinks and refreshments in the meantime—and please do mingle!

[With that, Tet-chan hurries off to tend to the many anxious-looking subordinates who are waiting at the doorway to report to him. The group is left alone in the sudden silence and all turn to stare at one another. Tidus, a cheerful-looking young man with bleached blonde hair and an impressive tan, steps forward and holds out his hand.]

Tidus: Guess we may as well start by introducing ourselves. I'm Tidus, the hero of Final Fantasy X. It's a pleasure to meet you all!

[A petite blonde-haired boy with floppy bangs and a curious, monkey-like tail steps forward to take his hand and shakes it in a friendly manner.]

Zidane: I'm Zidane—Zidane Tribal, from Final Fantasy IX. Pleased to meet you, too!

[Tidus grins at him and then glances around at the others, who still seem to be hesitating a little.]

Tidus: Well, we've got X and IX. Why don't we go backwards in order then? Who's VIII?

[A tall, dark, strikingly handsome young man with an unchangingly grumpy expression shifts slightly. After a long pause, he finally speaks]

Squall: …Squall Leonhart. FF8.

Tidus: [beams] Nice to meet you! So, how about VII?

[Squall glances surreptitiously to his right at a blonde young man, several inches shorter than him but slightly more muscular. He has an unusual, spiky hairdo, somewhat haunted-looking blue eyes and a closed expression.]

Cloud: [without looking up (though it is hard to tell whether he is being rude or is simply shy)] Cloud Strife. Final Fantasy VII.

Zidane: Wow! So you're the hero of the famous FF7, huh?

[Cloud looks up in mild surprise; his face, clearly seen, is surprisingly attractive and somewhat vulnerable-looking]

Cloud: Famous…?

Tidus: [grins and joins in] Yeah, famous! You guys have got—what?—three spin-off games, ten series of statuettes—not to mention that fancy feature-length movie!

Cloud: [more surprised] How do you know about all that…?

[Bartz, a slim young man with short brown hair, grins and leans in.]

Bartz: It was on the "Final Fantasy Series Fact Sheet" in our orientation packets.

[Another petite, teenaged-looking boy with his silver-white hair tied in a ponytail joins in]

Luneth: I didn't know we had a cheat sheet! That's great, 'cuz I have no idea what anything is around here! [he throws a sheepish look at the group] I'm Luneth, by the way—Final Fantasy III.

Bartz: And I'm Bartz, FF5. Pleased to meet ya.

Tidus: [nodding encouragingly] That's great—nice to meet you too, guys!

Zidane: Totally! [shakes hands happily with Luneth, pleased to meet someone of comparably small stature]

[A formidable but elegant-looking man with very pale skin and an impressive mane of wavy flaxen hair steps forward to offer Tidus his hand as well.]

Cecil: I am Cecil Harvey of Final Fantasy IV.

Tidus: Great to meet ya!

Cecil: But I believe we missed Final Fantasy VI along the way?

[The lone lady of the group—a young woman with a porcelain complexion and an abundance of glossy curls spilling out of a high ponytail—looks up shyly at him and offers her hand]

Terra: My name is Terra—Terra Branford—of Final Fantasy VI.

Cecil: [raises her dainty hand to kiss it gently] I am honored, my lady.

[Tidus, Zidane and Luneth beam at her as well.]

Zidane: Likewise!

Tidus: Yeah! Go, lady heroes!

Squall: [flatly] I think they call those "heroines."

Bartz: Well, who's next? Are we on… FF2?

[A lean man with keen eyes and a bandanna tied over his short-cropped hair looks up at that.]

Firion: That's me. The name's Firion.

Bartz: [shakes his hand] Good to meet you.

Luneth: So that leaves…

Tidus: …Final Fantasy I? [he turns to look at the last member of the group—a very tall, light-haired warrior in full armor. He has a quiet but regal air about him and has been standing with his arms clasped lightly across his chest, calmly watching the introductions. He now unclasps his arms and offers his hand solemnly, though not unkindly. Tidus smiles and takes it.] That must be you.

WoL: Yes. I am known as the Warrior of Light.

Zidane: [whistles] Wow, the original Final Fantasy hero, huh? That's pretty cool.

Bartz: [shakes WoL's hand as well] I guess we owe it all to you, huh?

WoL: [smiles slightly] I had very little to do with it.

Cecil: [smiles a little as well] Still, in a sense, you are our forebear.

Terra: Yes, it really is wonderful to meet you—all of you!

Bartz: Yeah! Who would've thought we'd ever all be able to meet up like this, huh?

Firion: To be honest, I didn't even know you all existed until "Tet-chan" teleported me and Emperor here.

Bartz: Emperor? Who's that?

Zidane: Your villain, I bet.

Firion: [nods] Yep. Luckily, he's been behaving himself lately.

Squall: [snorts] Well, that won't last long here.

Firion: [nods darkly] I'm sure you're right about that.

Tidus: Well, now that we've all introduced ourselves, why don't we hit up that awesome-looking buffet table?

Zidane: Sounds good to me!

Luneth: Me too!

Bartz: Me three!

[The heroes move en masse to the buffet table corner and help themselves to food and drink. Their conversations gradually warm up as the food and liquor take effect. As expected, Zidane and Luneth become fast friends; Firion joins in their conversations about journeying and the advantages of chocobo travel. Cecil, Bartz and Terra speak quietly amongst themselves, exchanging histories of their respective worlds, while the sociable Tidus bounces back and forth between the two groups. Warrior of Light, who appears not to eat, stands quietly against a nearby pillar as though keeping vigil. Cloud also stands somewhat apart, eyeing the food but not making any move toward it. Unexpectedly, the equally taciturn Squall fills a plate and brings it over to him. The two silently eat as the others chatter amongst themselves.]

Squall: …You remember me, don't you?

Cloud: …Traverse Town. You called yourself 'Leon' then, right?

Squall: Yeah. [they lapse into an almost companionable silence and continue munching. Tidus, obviously getting tipsy, appears out of nowhere and drapes an arm over Squall's shoulders]

Tidus: Hey, you two—don't be so boring! Come join the party!

Squall: …I don't see you bugging _him._ [nods toward Warrior of Light]

Tidus: Oh, he can do what he wants—he's our big brother, after all! And anyway, people that strong and magical don't mingle—but you guys should!

[Squall narrows his eyes, wanting very much to say, "And just what are you implying?" but decides it's not worth the trouble. Cloud seems less annoyed at the interruption and studies Tidus surreptitiously. After a moment, he makes an attempt]

Cloud: …So you're from Final Fantasy X?

Tidus: Yep! The big ten! It's a pretty popular game, you know? Some say it's even got the best storyline of the series—after yours, of course!

Cloud: … [seems surprised]

Tidus: [turns a mischievous smile on Squall] The music and cinematics in FF8 seem to be pretty popular too, Squall—though I've never heard anyone say they liked the story of your game before.

Squall: [snorts] _I _don't like the story of my game.

Cloud: Why not?

Tidus: [waves his hand in the air eagerly] Ooh, ooh, let me guess! [grins even wider] I bet it's because your game's theme was supposed to be about Loooooove, right, Squall?

Squall: [glowers]

Cloud: …I thought I heard somewhere that FFX was the big love story?

Tidus: It totally is! [smacks Squall's shoulder cheerfully] Sorry, dude, but I have to agree—I think my love story's a lot better than yours! Hey, how about I duel ya for the title of Ultimate FF Romance?

Squall: [rolls his eyes] You can keep it. I don't want it.

Tidus: [laughs] Aww, you're no fun! What would your lady friend say if she heard you saying that?

Squall: [deadpan] She'd say I'm a heartless bastard, same as always. [looking annoyed suddenly, he flags down a waiter, pulls a flute of champagne off his tray and downs it in one gulp; as Tidus and Cloud watch in amazement, he takes another and does the same, his sour expression never changing]

Tidus: [muttering under his breath to Cloud] Ooh, looks like trouble in Paradise… Guess that explains why he was out wandering the worlds, huh?

Cloud: ... [nods doubtfully]

[A noticeably reddening Squall grabs two glasses off the tray and thrusts them at his companions.]

Squall: It's very good. Drink.

[Cloud and Tidus exchange dubious looks. Then Tidus (never one to turn down a drink) shrugs, takes a glass and downs it with gusto. A bit more slowly, Cloud does the same. Squall drains the last flute on the tray and returns it to the scandalized-looking butler.]

Squall: [obviously quite intoxicated by now, he turns to the other two] So then, if you want to hear about that vixen…

* * *

**Onward to Chapter 2: Enter the Villains!**

Sorry again for the cracktastic nature of this story (and any OOC-ness)—what started as a few silly conversations between various FF heroes ended up a full-blown fic, so I thought it'd be a waste not to post it here. I hope you enjoyed it! (please drop a review and let me know what you thought!)


	2. Enter the Villains

"Tales of Dissidia"  
By DarkCyradis  
Edited: 12.17.08

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: Sheer crack. Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; Slight BL in this chapter.

**---**

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 2: Enter the Villains**

[About twenty minutes later, the heroes have re-converged and gradually migrated away from the buffet table toward the small reflection pools flanking their doorway.]

[Cecil notices Terra rubbing her temples and frowning slightly.]

Cecil: Is something the matter, Ms. Terra? Are you feeling sick?

Firion: Maybe you should lay off the liquor a bit, miss.

Terra: No…It's…a strange feeling. A heaviness in the air…

[Warrior of Light opens his eyes and raises his head slightly from his meditative stance.]

WoL: Darkness approaches.

[At just that moment, the gong rings out again and the gigantic doors at the far end of the room swing open, admitting another colorfully-arrayed group. The heroes all turn to stare.]

Bartz: [with some dread] Oh, boy, here come the villains…

Terra: [gasps] Oh, it's that horrible Kefka!

[Kefka spots Terra in the same moment and shoots a manic grin at her, his head turning nearly a full 180 degrees vertically as he waves at her. Terra shudders and turns quickly away, looking a little sick.]

Terra: [whispers in distress] I thought we killed him!

Squall: [under his breath] The magical malleability of the Final Fantasy time-space continuum…

Cecil: [concerned] Would you care to take some fresh air on the balcony, Ms. Terra?

Terra: Oh, no, it's all right—I'm just being silly. It will pass.

WoL: [finally unfolding his arms] I had thought to take in the night air myself. Would you care to join me? [offers Terra a hand]

Terra: [takes it] Well, all right then. [the two of them and Cecil head out through the balcony doors]

Tidus: [whistles] Now that's a gentleman!

Zidane: [rubs his nose and grins cheekily] Guess I could stand to take some lessons. My girl back home's a princess and she thinks my manners are awful!

[everyone whistles and chuckles appreciatively]

Firion: Lucky you! A princess? You're living the FF dream!

Cloud: [mutters without looking up from his drink] Not everyone's so lucky…

Bartz: I'll say! I had two princesses on my adventure and they were more into each other than me!

All: Ouch!

Squall: That's kinda hot, actually.

Firion: Not as hot as that! [points at Ultimecia, who is simpering by the buffet table, looking as though she knows her beyond-the-point-of-no-return plunging neckline is showing off her voluptuous anatomy to incredible advantage]

Squall: Ha! If you knew what that psycho was capable of…

Bartz: Whoa! Actually, there are a whole bunch of cute girls over there!

Luneth: Really? Where?

Tidus: Well, that's unfair! How come we only have one beautiful girl on our side?

Zidane: Maybe Tet-chan is trying to say something about women…?

Squall: No. I think he just enjoys abusing male characters more than female characters—

Cloud: [gloomily] --and he loves torturing his main characters more than anything else.

[Tidus mouths "Case in point" and gestures at Cloud behind his back. All the other heroes have to suppress chuckles. When Cloud, noticing their expressions, turns to see what they are looking at, Tidus quickly points exaggeratedly across the room to distract him]

Tidus: Oh! There he is! I'll be right back! [he disappears into the crowd]

Cloud: Where's he going?

Squall: For another drink?

Cloud: I could use one…

[As Squall flags down a waiter to take two new glasses of champagne off his tray, Luneth spots something and perks up.]

Luneth: [pointing out the preening Kuja] Wow! Whose villain is that?!

Zidane: [glumly] Mine.

Luneth: [whistles] She's really cute!

[Zidane bursts out laughing]

Luneth: What?

Firion: [suppressing chuckles as well] Oh, uh, I don't think that's a girl.

Luneth: What?! Really??

Zidane: [catching his breath] Ha ha ha, yeah, _really. _That's Kuja, my very own prima donna head case. Believe me, he's the bitchiest diva Tetsuya Nomura _ever_ dreamed up—

Bartz: Then that's saying something, considering that! [all turn to see he is pointing to the flamboyantly dressed Kefka, Ultimecia and Cloud of Darkness chortling giddily together over colorful cocktails in a distant corner.]

Zidane: Kuja still wins.

[His word is proven as Kuja walks sultrily toward the three and tosses his long, gleaming hair in their faces as he goes by, causing Cloud of Darkness to spill her drink all over Kefka's pants. The three fume. The heroes turn back sympathetically to Zidane.]

Bartz: [consolingly] Well, at least he's kind of easy on the eyes. You could've gotten stuck with the armor freaks like ExDeath or Garland.

Zidane: [laughs] True. And at least, if I'm ever having a tough time beating Kuja, all I have to do is rip his dress and he spazzes out on me. Ha ha ha!

Tidus: [returning arm in arm with a bronzed, burly man with shaggy brown hair and a large tattoo stretching the length of his bare torso] Guys, I'd like you to meet my dad!

Jecht: [merrily extends a huge, callused hand toward the group] Jecht's the name! Pleasure ta meet ya!

[Zidane immediately takes a liking to the jolly giant and takes his hand. He is nearly swung off his feet as Jecht gives it a hearty shake.]

Jecht: Well, hello there, m'boy! What's your name?

Zidane: [head spinning] Zi-Zidane. I'm from Final Fantasy IX.

Jecht: Oh-ho! Are you now? Cute little fella. [pats his downy, blonde head in a friendly manner and then wheels around to a startled Cloud] And you! You must be that Cloud fella! Can't mistake you with that hairdo!

Cloud: Oh—uh, yes…! [braces himself as Jecht jerks him around in another vigorous handshake]

Tidus: [drags Jecht's hand away] Okay, dad, no more shaking. [turns apologetically to the others] Sorry, he doesn't mean any harm—he just likes teasing "little people."

[Jecht bursts into a full-bellied laugh at that and begins ruffling a chagrined Tidus's hair with affectionate roughness. Cloud and Zidane exchange an unhappy look at having been called "little people." Luneth subtly steps back to position himself behind Squall and out of Jecht's line of sight.]

Bartz: Err, so, it's nice to meet you, Jecht! I'm Bartz—FF5. So, what are you doing here? Are you one of those special "hidden characters" that players can unlock?

Jecht: No, no—I'm here as the villain, unfortunately.

[Everyone is startled; Firion spits out the mouthful of beer he had been sipping]

Firion: Wha-what?! You're a villain?!

Tidus: [cheerfully] Yep, for FF10. Well, only one of, actually, but Tet-chan thought the others wouldn't make much of a compelling connection with me.

Bartz: [still looking shocked like the others but hurriedly trying to smooth it over] Oh, well, that— …That's gotta be tough for you, Tidus! And you, Jecht! Having to fight your own son…

[Both FF10-ers burst out with a hearty laugh]

Tidus: Oh, no, don't worry about it—dad has this dark side that kinda takes over his mind once in a while—that's why we fight. But he doesn't mean any of it.

Jecht: Yeah, don't even remember what I've been up to after a bout of that! But luckily— [puts Tidus in an affectionate headlock and ruffles his hair again] –my little Tidus, here, is plenty strong enough to beat me back and knock me back to my senses. Har har har har!!

[Tidus joins his father in another hearty laugh. The rest of the heroes exchange a weak chuckle.]

Jecht: Well, come on now, lads—there's a fantastic-lookin' wet bar just a-burstin' with exotic nectars for our refreshment! Shall we?

Tidus: Let's! [father and son shove off merrily toward the bar; the rest of the heroes look on in bewilderment]

Firion: Well, if that wasn't the weirdest hero-villain team ever, I don't know what is.

Luneth: It's kinda sad, actually—having to fight your own dad.

Bartz: Yeah.

Squall: [shrugs]

Zidane: But you know, that thing he said about having a "compelling connection" with your villain—I think that's a good point. It's kinda more fun if you know your villain well, ya know?

Luneth: Really?

Zidane: Yeah. I mean, Kuja's a nut job and prissier than every princess in the series put together, but he has his moments.

Cloud: Moments?

Zidane: Yeah, when he's not so bad. Usually, it's when he's within an inch of his life or something and is getting all philosophical. But then, once he's back on his feet again—boom, the stupid façade goes back up too.

Firion: [looking pensive] You know, I kind of know what you mean. Emperor—especially when he's in his original form—has his moments too.

Cloud: …

Squall: [snorts] Well, Ultimecia's just a psychotic alien bitch.

Luneth: Same with Cloud of Darkness!

Bartz: And don't forget ExDeath—the _tree. _

[All burst out into laughter at that; ExDeath begins sneezing violently across the room, spraying Kefka (whom he had been talking to) with spittle. Kefka, who had been dabbing dejectedly at the cocktail stains on his pants with a damp handkerchief, hurls it down in disgust and stalks off to the restrooms]

[Cloud's head suddenly snaps toward the door; he freezes up and goes tense as though bracing for battle]

Zidane: Cloud? What's wrong?

Cloud: [breaks glass in hand as expression goes hard] **Sephiroth**…

[Everyone turns to see the magnificent specimen of silver-haired villain filling the doorway. Sephiroth has just arrived fashionably late and is being greeted by Ultimecia and Emperor, who hands him a glass of wine. Sephiroth raises the glass to sip and spots the staring Cloud out of the corner of his eye. He finishes the leisurely draught and then gives Cloud a tiny and rather nasty smile, an eyebrow raised in challenge. Cloud immediately begins stalking toward him, eyes never leaving his face.]

Squall: [belatedly alarmed] Oh, stop him—someone, stop him!

[Bartz and Firion make a grab for Cloud as he stalks unheedingly by, but miss and crash into each other. Luckily, a cheerful and somewhat tipsy-looking Tidus appears out of nowhere and barrels into Cloud instead. His equally cheerful and tipsy-looking father appears beside him; between the two of them, they manage to successfully block the spiky-haired hero's path and drag him merrily off to the bar in the far corner of the room.]

Squall: Thank goodness. Crisis averted.

Bartz: [picking himself up off the ground] So that's Cloud's villain, huh? _Wow. _

Firion: No kidding! [whistles lowly] He actually _looks _as powerful as you'd expect of a super villain. Hope he's not as strong…

Squall: Oh… let's just say you'll want to heal up and be well-equipped with potions when you fight him.

Luneth: What—you've heard of him before?!

Squall: Most people have.

Bartz: But—but how, coming from another world?

Squall: [slightly chagrined] Well, I guess you could say I cheated a little. Cloud, Sephiroth and I—we were all in another game called Kingdom Hearts together. And I'll tell you this: when Sephiroth walks in the room, don't expect Cloud to do anything but glare daggers at him for the rest of the time.

Firion: Wow, it's that intense between them, huh?

Bartz: [looking both over appreciatively] Oh, I bet it is…

Squall: No, really—you _don't_ want to meet that guy. According to what I've heard, Sephiroth is about as horrible as it gets.

Luneth: Err…what did he do?

Squall: Well, on top of the usual destruction of towns, slaughtering of innocents and attempts to destroy the world, he seems to have murdered Cloud's woman right in front of his eyes.

Bartz, Firion, Luneth: Ooooh… [cringes all around]

Squall: And, uh, I think he did some…rather _bad_ things to Cloud himself, too.

Luneth: Bad things?

Squall: [meaningful look] Mmmm-hmm.

Bartz, Firion, Luneth: Ooooooooohhhhggg… [all look doubly pained]

Zidane: [off-handedly] Aw, that's just a rumor.

Squall: Well, if you happen to see Sephiroth standing broodingly in the moonlight, don't go up and talk to him, no matter how enchanting he looks.

Bartz: Point noted!

Firion: I'll say!

[Despite the declarations, the entire group continues to stare at Sephiroth as he makes his way majestically across the villains' side of the room, greeting his compatriots. Emperor, standing off to one side, notices their staring and is a bit jealous. He sidles up unseen behind Firion and grabs him about the waist.]

Firion: GWAAAHHHHH!!!!

Emperor: Now, dear Firion, you're not thinking of abandoning me for some green-eyed minx, are you?

Luneth: Emperor?!

Firion: LEGGO!! [squirms out of Emperor's grasp and wheels on him, bracing for battle. Emperor laughs gaily.]

Emperor: Oh, Firion, you never do lose your charm!

Firion: What are you doing on our side of the room?!

Emperor: _Your _side of the room? Oh, how pedestrian! This isn't called a "mixer" for nothing, dear one. We should all be mingling _together._

[Firion shudders; Bartz puts a hand on his shoulder to show solidarity]

Bartz: Yeah, well, you can go mingle on that side of the room with the other villains, okay?!

Zidane: Yeah, we don't want your evil vibes around us!

Luneth: Yeah, get gone!

[Cloud of Darkness suddenly materializes out of nowhere and drapes herself over Emperor's shoulder. The two wear matching, evil smiles as they regard the tensing heroes.]

COD: Ohh, now, little Luney~ You aren't showing those brash, horrid manners of your peasant upbringing again, are you? Where's that cute, little mage friend of yours, hmm? I've got to tell him he's not doing an adequate job as your keeper.

Luneth: [growls] He isn't here.

COD: Oh, what a shame. I thought I might enjoyhis company a little tonight. I figured since they only need _you_ to show up at the tournament tomorrow, they wouldn't mind if I roughed him up a little. Or—perhaps you were planning on doing so yourself tonight?

Luneth: [lunges] Shut up about him!!

[Zidane and Bartz manage to nab him and pull him back. COD and Emperor laugh uproariously.]

Bartz: Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your own size!

COD: Oh, you mean like you, little boy? [scoffs] Don't flatter yourself.

Bartz: Why, you—

COD: Anyway—[suddenly materializes behind Zidane, who is still trying to restrain Luneth, and tickles his tail] –I rather prefer the cute, petite ones myself.

Zidane: Yipe! [leaps into the air and scuttles backwards away from COD quickly, bumping into Squall's legs as he tries to hide his abused tail. Squall puts a calming hand on his shoulder and glares at COD]

Squall: I think that's enough out of you two. Save your molestation for the battlefield.

COD: [laughs] Ohhh, yes. Let's do save our fun for then. These little scuffles are so much better with magic and weapons.

Emperor: [sidles up and slips his arms around COD's bare torso, sharing another evil smile with her] They're one-on-one battles, aren't they, my dear? Then there won't be _anyone _to interrupt us then… [they both cackle and give the heroes uncomfortably long, lingering looks]

Emperor: [releasing COD and turning to go] Well, dears, we'll be seeing you then!

COD: It's a random match-up, isn't it? I can't wait to see which of you darlings will be entertaining me tomorrow! Ha ha ha ha!

[As they walk away, the heroes all exchange an uncomfortable look.]

Bartz: You know… I'm starting to have a bad feeling about this…

Zidane: Ya don't say…

**Coming Soon -- Chapter 3: The Eve of Battle**

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Mwaa, villains are so fun~ I hope you all enjoyed this one! (and if you did, please leave a review~ each review gives me more motivation to write the next chapter faster ;-)).


	3. The Eve of Battle

Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 2.05.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: A little more plot and seriousness in this chapter, but still—extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 3: The Eve of Battle**

[A short while later, the party is winding to a close. The cake has been cut, the band has packed up and the servers have begun clearing dishes off the huge buffet table. However, the party guests show no sign of wearying and are still gathered about in clumps eating cake and chatting.]

[On the villains' side of the room, the antagonists have split off into three groups. In the corner nearest the bar, the "armor freaks"—Garland, ExDeath and Golbez—are gathered over tankards of ale, discussing ponderous matters like the most favorable shapes for eye slits in helmets and the advantages of a voluminous cape for dramatic effect versus the dangers of being overbalanced in a wind storm.]

[In front of the villains' doorway, Emperor is holding court, nimbly juggling the tasks of flirting with Cloud of Darkness, laughing politely at Kefka's various jokes and magic tricks, and graciously admiring the many jewels and hair accessories Kuja is showing off for him at the same time. A shriek is heard as Kefka—attempting to pet the odd, razor-toothed appendages living under Cloud of Darkness's cloak—narrowly dodges a bolt of lightning thrown at his feet by Cloud of Darkness.]

[Standing in the other corner, nearer the buffet table, the elegant and darkly clad Sephiroth and Ultimecia are engaged in a silent battle of wills; both continually shift from one gorgeously striking, affected, model-like "villain posture" to another in an attempt to out-pose the other, while appearing to be conversing amicably on the surface. Snatches of their conversation like, "Oh really? So blood doesn't stain at all on that type of synthetic leather?" and "Yes; just a little drop of water and it slides right off—incredible time-saver!" can be heard from time to time.]

[Meanwhile, Cecil, Terra and Warrior of Light are finally returning from their moonlit reprieve to rejoin their friends in the hall. As he follows his two companions indoors, Cecil happens to glance toward the far side of the room and spots Golbez, who is still attempting to camouflage himself by standing in a herd with his armored brethren.]

[Golbez senses he has been found out and quickly moves to excuse himself from his companions. He makes straight for the villains' doorway, but seeing that Cecil is cutting diagonally across the room toward him, he turns quickly and heads for the only exit available to him—the back balcony. He quickens his step as he reaches the balcony doors and is nearly home free; but just as he is bracing an armored foot on the balcony's railing to make a leap for the next parapet over, he hears a voice behind him.]

Cecil: Golbez, wait!

[Golbez still half-considers jumping, but decides he would look too un-villainously undignified and gives it up. He turns around to face Cecil.]

Golbez: [stiffly] What?

Cecil: [smiling a little] Oh, come now—is that the only greeting you have for me after so long?

Golbez: What kind of greeting would you like from a murderer?

Cecil: [smile fades] I suppose "hello" would do.

Golbez: [harrumphs and says nothing]

Cecil: [after a moment] It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Golbez: …

Cecil: Have you been well?

Golbez: …Well enough.

Cecil: That's good to hear.

[He pauses, hoping Golbez will go on, but the dark knight is silent.]

Cecil: …You know…I've got a son now.

Golbez: …

Cecil: Rosa and I got married after—after all that. He's already three years old and getting huge! Everyone says he'll be a strapping one someday. I suppose it runs in our family.

Golbez: …

Cecil: I… I named him Theodore. After you.

Golbez: [flatly] …Well, that's wonderful for you. [he turns to make swiftly away but Cecil calls out after him.]

Cecil: Golbez. Wait.

Golbez: What?

Cecil: We need to talk.

Golbez: Weren't we just talking?

Cecil: No. _I_ was talking. You were trying to find a way to escape.

Golbez: [sighs a bit in concession] Then, what do you want to talk about?

Cecil: Take off your helmet.

[Golbez hesitates, keeping his back to Cecil.]

Cecil: Please. Let me see your face.

Golbez: It is not worth seeing.

Cecil: It is my brother's face! Of course it's worth seeing!

Golbez: [grits his teeth] Your brother died long ago.

[Cecil rushes forward and grips Golbez's arm, trying to turn him to face him]

Cecil: No, he didn't! He just did what he needed to—to survive.

Golbez: [tries to pull his arm free] Like a coward. An animal.

Cecil: Stop it! Golbez—Theodore. Brother. [manages to turn Golbez around to face him. Golbez stops struggling but turns his head away to keep from meeting Cecil's eyes] Please. Let's just end this stupid fight.

Golbez: [bark of laughter] Ha! What a thing to say on the eve of battle!

Cecil: But why are we fighting? Why are you here?

Golbez: Why are _you_ here?

Cecil: Because I knew you would be. I came to see you.

Golbez: For what?! Why pretend we have anything left to say to one another?

Cecil: We have _plenty _to say to one another!

Golbez: Like what? An apology?

Cecil: From whom?

Golbez: What do you mean "from whom?!"

Cecil: What have you to apologize for? Or did you mean me?

Golbez: Don't be an ass!

Cecil: Then don't be a pigheaded fool!

[They glare angrily at each other for a moment.]

Cecil: [finally looking away with a frustrated sigh] I'm sorry.

Golbez: For what?!

Cecil: For getting angry—

Golbez: You're infuriating.

Cecil: You're one to talk— [cuts himself off and shakes his head in frustration] No, stop it—you're just provoking me on purpose.

Golbez: [stiffly] As is appropriate. You're a "hero;" I'm a "villain," remember?

Cecil: Don't be ridiculous!

Golbez: Who's being ridiculous? Or didn't you notice the separate doors and drawn party lines in there? And don't tell me you've forgotten my murderous plots, my attempts to destroy our world!

Cecil: That was Zemus—

Golbez: Don't tell me you've forgotten what I did to you, and to your friends?

Cecil: [quietly] …No.

Golbez: [also more composedly] …Then we have nothing left to talk about.

[Without waiting for a response, he strides quickly away, back into the reception hall. After a long moment, Cecil slowly turns to do so as well. But before he can take a step, he hears a muffled curse, some scuffling and then an outright cry as a clump of people tumble out from behind one of the winged gargoyle statues decorating the balcony. Cecil blinks.]

Squall: [who has landed on the bottom of the heap] Goddamn it, you bleached idiot! I told you to stop leaning out so far! [shoves Tidus' foot out of his face] Get off me!

Tidus: Ow! [whining] It was Zidane's fault! His tail tripped me!

Zidane: [rubbing his bumped head] Oh, sure, blame it all on the tail—even though it's fifty times nimbler than _you _are, ya drunk!

Luneth: Ow, ow, ow!! My ankle! Firion, stop, you're twisting it!

Firion: Oh, sorry! I thought that was the knob on my belt.

Bartz: [wheezing] Can't…breathe…

Squall: Can you all get off me?!

Cecil: [still looking stunned] What are you all doing out here?

[Warrior of Light, Cloud and Terra (holding a dessert platter with a slice of the huge "Welcome to Dissidia" sheet cake on it) appear suddenly in the doorway.]

Warrior of Light: [smiling slightly] I believe it's called "eavesdropping."

Terra: [wags a finger lightly at the pile of heroes and giggles] For shame!

Cecil: [coloring instantly] You…you heard…?

[Small and nimble, Zidane is the first to disentangle himself from his friends and hops up to his feet to grin apologetically at the pale paladin.]

Zidane: Sorry, Cecil… when we saw you chasing down your villain, we just had to come out and see what was up.

Firion: Yeah, you know—in case you needed some back-up or something.

Cecil: [mystified] Back-up…?

Luneth: [sheepishly] Oh… we thought you were going to fight him out here.

Zidane: Yeah, you looked pretty intense when you went after him.

[Jecht suddenly pokes his head out onto the balcony.]

Jecht: Son, they're closing up in here. I've gotta get goin' along with my "teammates" over there. You'd all better get to sleep too. [flashes them all a big grin] See ya all tomorrow, kids! And good luck! [winks and disappears back into the hall]

Tidus: [waving from his prone position in the pile] 'Night, dad!

Firion: [finally disengaging himself and then hauling Luneth up off the now-semi-conscious Bartz] 'Guess that means we're supposed to go find our rooms in that fancy "Il Palazzo" building Tet-chan showed us on the tour, huh?

WoL: Yes. I believe there are sleeping quarters there for each of us.

Cloud: The villains too...

Cecil: Don't worry—all of their rooms are in an entirely separate wing from ours, I believe.

Luneth: Guess that's reassuring.

Zidane: Eh, sort of.

Tidus: But it's too early to go to sleep! I know—let's have an after party!!

Bartz: [rubbing his head and sitting up, having finally regained consciousness] After party?

Tidus: Yeah! We can have it in my room!

Luneth: And do what?

Tidus: I dunno—dance?

Cecil: [looking a bit off-put] Maybe we'd best just get to sleep…

Tidus: Aww, don't be such a stick in the mud! How often do we all get together?

Zidane: He's got a point. How about something a little calmer, then?

Squall: Like what?

Bartz: A game?

Terra: Or we could keep talking.

Tidus: [waving it off] Oh, we'll think of something. Come on!

Firion: [checking his watch] But it's already after midnight.

Zidane: Pah! That's nothing!

Bartz: [slinging an arm around Firion's shoulders] If you get tired, Firi-chan, I'm sure you can just crash in Tidus's room.

Firion: I'm not tired!

Tidus: [cheers] Ohmigod, sleepover!!

Squall: [smacks himself in the forehead and groans] What is _wrong_ with you people?!

Cloud: [shrugs] It might be fun.

Cecil: [clears his throat] For the sake of Miss Terra, I think we'd best just sleep in our own rooms.

Zidane: Oh, yeah…

Tidus: [sheepish] Right, sorry.

Terra: [looking guilty for spoiling the fun] Oh, but an after party still sounds like fun!

[The group cheers again and makes for the nearby living quarters—a great, Italian-flavored mansion sporting two main wings (a Heroes' Wing and Villains' Wing, as Cecil had said earlier) with common areas on the first floor, all bedroom suites on the second, and a rooftop terrace accessed by the broad verandah running along the exterior of the second floor. A large fountain stands before the wide front doors in the center of a beautiful cobblestone courtyard flanked by rose gardens. What appears to be a tall line of hedgerow can be seen around the back of the house.]

Squall: …Okay, I'm sort of impressed.

Cloud: Somehow, I'd been thinking they'd make us sleep in tents...

[As they walk past the fountain, Terra glances up at the massive carved statues at its center. The statue is of two figures--one carved in black stone, the other in white---who are intertwined at the base but apart higher up. They are facing one another in a somewhat confrontational manner across the fountain's tall, sculpted spout.]

Terra: That's an interesting statue…

Bartz: Symbolic, maybe.

Cecil: [nods] The dark figure stands to the west, as does the Villains' Wing of the house.

Luneth: I wonder what they could be.

WoL: [surprising everyone by speaking up] They are the gods Chaos and Cosmos.

Cloud: Chaos…and Cosmos?

WoL: [nods and steps toward the fountain] They are the gods that rule over Darkness and Light, respectively. They are opposing forces, ever in conflict since the beginning of time.

Zidane: Kinda like us and the villains, huh?

WoL: [nods solemnly] Yes. However, they are opposing forces that are both necessary for life. Thus, they have ever been in balance despite their conflict. [under his breath] Until…

[Terra, standing nearest to WoL, hears his last comment and looks curiously up at him to finish. However, he falls silent and doesn't continue the thought.]

[The group finally continues on into the house and passes through the dramatic black-and-white marble entryway, where there are more sculptures set in niches lining the walls on either side. On the opposite wall, there are two huge hanging tapestries side-by-side over two sweeping staircases—one made of black marble and the other of white—that lead up to the two residence wings.]

Tidus: You know, I'm starting to detect a theme with this black and white thing…

Zidane: [glancing around] This place looks suspiciously like something Kuja would design.

Luneth: He's got a flair for the dramatic, huh?

Zidane: Hooooo yeah. And it's not just his castle and clothing either—you should see his Christmas cards...

Bartz: He sends you Christmas cards?!

Zidane: Yep, every year. I mean—they're always full of veiled threats and bad poetry and stuff but [shrugs] at least they look pretty on the mantle. Scented too!

Firion: You're kidding, right?

Zidane: [sweatdrop] I'm not, actually...

[Reaching the second floor of their wing, the heroes find ten doors down the hall, each labeled with a gold-plated roman numeral I-X]

Tidus: [laughs as he pushes the door marked "X"—nearest the stairs—open] Well, guess this one's my room. Come on in!

[A full suite with bath, living and bedroom greets them inside, the décor chic and contemporary with a decidedly tropical color scheme.]

Tidus: Wow! Feels just like home!

Bartz: I bet that was the idea.

Cloud: I hope they didn't think Midgar would feel homey to me…

Firion: Seems kind of excessive since we're here on a mission, doesn't it?

Cloud:[poking a seat cushion] Guess they want us to be comfortable while they make us fight for our lives…

[Discovering a mini-bar, Tidus sets about dispensing more drinks as the heroes settle in around the living room area.]

Firion: So, did we ever decide what we were gonna do tonight?

Bartz: [grinning mischievously] I've got it… ghost stories or gossip?

Terra: Eek! No ghost stories!

Luneth: [sweatdrop] Yeah, I think I'll have a hard enough time sleeping thinking about all those villains just across the way.

Firion: [shudders] Ditto.

Zidane: Okay, gossip then! Anyone got anything juicy?

Tidus: [settling down on a bright orange cushion after dispensing the drinks] Ooh! I heard from the reception clerk that a stuffed moogle fell out of someone's bag when they were checking in! And get this—it was a _villain's _bag!!

[Everyone bursts into laughter.]

Firion: Do you know which villain it was?

Tidus: Well, I was sworn to utter secrecy, but I can tell you this much—it was _one of the armor freaks!_

[Everyone's laughter redoubles as they imagine one of the hulking, ominous armored villains cuddling a tiny moogle stuffed animal in his sleep.]

Bartz: So, Terra—tell us a little more about yourself. Since you're the hero of your adventure, does that mean the guy who got second billing for FFVI was your love interest?

Terra: [squirms a little] Uh… not exactly…

Luneth: Ooh, that's harsh! A male hero's love interest always gets second billing!

Zidane: Yeah, I wonder what Tet-chan's trying to say this time…

Terra: No, no—it's nothing like that! It's… [stares down a bit embarrassedly into her lap] To be honest, I didn't… "get the boy" in the end…

[Shocked gasps and disbelieving cries are heard all around.]

Bartz: What?! Seriously??

Firion: But you're so beautiful!

Luneth: And so nice!

Cecil: To say nothing of your grace, power and heart-stirringly tragic air!

Tidus: [punches his palm] This is an outrage! How can any decent, would-be FF hero refuse the love of such a worthy heroine at game's end?!

Terra: [sadly] Because he fell in love with the other girl in the party…

[The heroes all groan in unison with woeful understanding.]

Firion: Ohhh, the _other _girl.

Terra: [nods] Though Celes was very nice in her own way too…

Bartz: I think that's just cruel—both for the heroine and the hero. It's tough to choose, you know?

Zidane: Yeah, I'm really glad they switched over to the one-marriageable-aged girl rule for my game.

Squall: I think Tet-chan gets a savage pleasure out of having the "other girl" lose out or something. [thinks of Quistis and then mutters to himself] At least, I sure did…

Cloud: [reaches out and pats Terra's shoulder sympathetically] It's hard for two young women in the same party, isn't it?

Squall: First-hand experience, eh?

Cloud: [gulps] Oh yeah… [thinks "The catfights…" but doesn't say it out loud]

Tidus: [suddenly perking up] But wait a second! That means—[flashes Terra a dashing grin] –you're single?

Squall: Ex_cuse_ me, Mr. I'm-the-Ultimate-Romantic-FF-Hero? Weren't you just boasting about how happily married you are?

Tidus: Heheh, we're not married yet, but yes—I am, unfortunately, very, very taken. [takes Terra's hand and kisses it with a comically resigned air] Forgive me for your loss, my lady. [Terra giggles a bit, cheered]

Tidus: But—[sweeps his arm grandly toward the other heroes]—you still have a very fine selection of strapping, handsome, good-hearted young heroes to choose from! Oh, except for Sour Squall there.

Squall: Gee, thanks.

Tidus: [laughs] I just meant that you're taken too—right?

Squall: … [scowls]

Cecil: [raises his gauntleted hand] Actually, I, too, am "taken." Married, as it were.

Firion: [impressed] Really?

Cecil: Yes.

Bartz: That's right! You even have a son, right?

Cecil: [colors, recalling the eavesdropping incident] Yes.

Bartz: [also recalling] Oh, heh heh… sorry again.

Cecil: It's okay. [sweatdrop]

Zidane: [raises his hand] Me, too—about the "taken" thing, that is. We're not married yet either, but… [blushes] …it's pretty serious.

[The heroes hoot and Zidane rubs the back of his head in embarrassment.]

Firion: I'm _kind of_ seeing someone back home but… [winks at Terra, much to her embarrassment]

Tidus: Hey, hey—only serious bids, here! We won't let our little sister get taken in by some joker!

Squall: Technically, she's your _older_ sister since her game comes before yours.

Tidus: Aw, who's counting? [drapes a friendly arm around Terra's shoulders] And anyway, with the ladies, we _always_ say they're younger, right? [Terra giggles and nods]

Bartz: [raising his hand enthusiastically] Well, I'm single!

Luneth: Me, too!!

Squall: [glancing at his fellow taciturn hero] Cloud?

Cloud: [starts and blushes violently] U-uh, I'm going outside for a little air… [rises stiffly and hurries out of the room]

Tidus: [chuckles] Aww, Cloud is so cute and innocent!

Zidane: [confused] What's with him?

Cecil: [fondly] Shy, probably.

Bartz: It must be an act! He has _hordes_ of girls drooling all over him in his game!

Luneth: You sure know a lot.

Bartz: [produces a thick volume from his belt pouch] It's all thanks to this little baby—_Final Fantasy VII Ultimania_, everything you could possibly want to know (and more!) about FF7!

Luneth: Hey! I want one of those!

Tidus: FF10 has one too!

Zidane: So does IX, actually!

Firion: Tsk, tsk. We old school Final Fantasies are so neglected!

Bartz and Luneth: Word.

Zidane: [flipping through the FFVII Ultimania Guide] Wow, Cloud _does _have a lot of girls after him! And they're all cute, too!

Luneth: So unfair!

Firion: But who does he end up with? Does it say?

Zidane: Hmm, not really. It kinda seems like _she_ was supposed to be the one [points at the pink-clad Aeris Gainsborough], but—urgh—she gets killed halfway through the game—

Squall: --by _you-know-who_--

Zidane: --and in the end, it looks like he was living with her [gestures to the buxom Tifa Lockhart] and a few orphaned kids. But this girl [points out a mischievously grinning Yuffie Kisaragi] is also still alive at the end of the story. And then, in the movie, Cloud is said to have a "deep connection" with this girl [gestures to a smirking close-up shot of the effeminate Kadaj].

Luneth: Wait a sec—that last one's a boy!

Zidane: Oh, it is?!

Luneth: [sticks out his tongue] And you were making fun of me for getting confused about Kuja! It's hard to tell sometimes with all these pretty guys!

All: Agreed.

Bartz: [still studying Kadaj] He _is _awfully cute though…

Squall: [rolls eyes] Sure, in a deranged, oedipal, homicidal way.

Luneth: I can't find any art pics featuring Cloud alone with one of the girls… In fact, the only person Cloud ever poses alone with is that scary villain of his.

Zidane: [snaps the book shut decisively] Well, with all those love interests running around him, I'm sure Cloud's taken by _someone. _

Tidus: Yeah, you're probably right. So that leaves us with [counts on his fingers] Bartz, Luneth, _maybe _Firion if he gets his act together—

Firion: Hey!

Tidus: --and… [trails off, recounting his fingers and looking confused. Suddenly, his expression brightens and he leaps to his feet triumphantly.] Ah-hah!! [looks eagerly at the silent Warrior of Light] What about you, Nii-sama?

Warrior of Light: [chuckles very slightly] I'm afraid I will have to abstain.

Luneth: How come?

WoL: [considers] I suppose it's because I am more of an allegorical figure than a character.

Bartz: [confused] Say what?

Cecil: Ahh, I see. Because you and Garland are the original Final Fantasy hero and villain, that makes you something like the ultimate symbols of our battle between good and evil.

Firion: I get it! The idea of you as our shining light of goodness kind of makes you like a legend, which puts you above temptations of the flesh and human stuff like that, right?

WoL: [nods] That is a good way to put it.

Tidus: [indignant] But _everyone_ needs love!

WoL: [smiling] I have the love and affection of all of you.

All: Awwww!

Tidus: [wiping an imaginary tear] Okay, I guess that's all right then. Aww, group hug!

[Everyone coalesces on WoL in a group hug. Tidus even manages to grab Squall and drag him in.]

Squall: [squirming to escape the effusive displays of affection] I'm gonna go check on Cloud. [breaks free and darts out the door]

Tidus: [a little miffed] What's with that guy? He's supposed to be our ultimate romantic hero, right? I'd say he's just about the least deserving of the title out of all of us!

Zidane: Aw, give him a break. Sometimes it's the guys who care the most that put on the coldest faces to hide the fact.

Tidus: You really think so? With _Squall?_

Zidane: [sweatdrop] I guess it's possible?

[They are interrupted by Squall's sudden return.]

Squall: I can't find Cloud.

Bartz: Did you try his room?

Squall: Number 7, right? He's not in there or anywhere down the hall.

Zidane: So maybe he went to get a snack or something.

Squall: The lights are all off in the main building.

Terra: [worried] Something couldn't have happened to him, could it?

Luneth: Like what?

Firion: [darkly] Like he may have run into that evil (though devastatingly cool-looking) villain of his and gotten into a fight.

Luneth: Or maybe, this is part of the villains' plan to cheat in the tournament by putting someone out of commission before it begins!

Tidus: Don't be silly, guys. I'm sure he's just downstairs exploring or up on the terrace.

Zidane: Maybe. But I don't think he meant to go far because he left his sword behind. [points out Cloud's humongous First Tsurugi sword leaning in a corner of the room]

Bartz: Guys, this is a bad sign—a Final Fantasy hero never goes further than the bathroom without taking his sword along! Who knows when random mutant bunnies in formations of two or three will leap out and turn-base attack you?!

Tidus: True!

Firion: See? I told you there was foul play afoot!

Cecil: In that case, we had better split up into two parties so we can cover both the interior and exterior of the building as quickly as possible.

Terra: Yes, I'd really feel better if we stayed in groups rather than search alone.

Zidane: But someone should stay here in case Cloud comes back, right?

Bartz: True.

Tidus: Okay! How about this? Nintendo era heroes [gesturing to WoL, Firion and Luneth], search the hall and the common rooms downstairs; PS1 and up era heroes [gesturing to Squall, Zidane and himself] search the rooftop and verandah; and the Super NES era heroes [gesturing to Cecil, Bartz and Terra] stay here in case Cloud comes back? That way, we've got enough people in each group to defend ourselves if the villains are waiting to ambush someone.

[All nod in agreement.]

Cecil: Be careful, all of you.

WoL: And if any group is attacked, shoot a Flare spell into the sky. That will alert the others to come to your aid.

All: Got it!

[The groups split up for their respective missions.]

Tidus: [rubbing his hands excitedly as he, Zidane and Squall step out into the nippy night] Only the first night, and already there's so much excitement!

Squall: More like trouble.

Zidane: You guys don't _really _think the villains are up to something, do you?

Tidus: [looks a little sheepish] Probably not.

Squall: [accusingly] You just wanted to have another adventure before we went to sleep, didn't you?

Tidus: [laughs] You got me. To be honest, judging by the amount of alcohol those baddies were downing, I'm sure they're all passed out in their rooms by now.

Zidane: Which actually wouldn't be a bad idea for us too… I think we all kinda need to sleep off the last 2 or 3 drinks we had.

Squall: Feh. Sissies.

Tidus: [rubbing chin thoughtfully] Although… Fighting with hangovers? Might make things entertaining!

Zidane: Hey, you don't think Tet-chan stuffed us all full of booze on purpose, do you?

Squall: I wouldn't put it past him.

Tidus: Totally!

[They laugh as they round a corner of the verandah onto the ocean-facing side of the building and stop short, their jaws dropping in perfect unison. They have found Cloud at last—he is swept up in Sephiroth's embrace, kissing him passionately. The heroes continue to stare in dumbfounded silence for another ten seconds, before Sephiroth finally notices and breaks off the kiss.]

Sephiroth: Well, well. Isn't it a little discourteous watching us without making your presences known?

[Cloud, looking dazed and flushed, continues gazing up at Sephiroth's face and makes no move to step out of his arms. He seems not to have noticed the others' arrival at all, but doesn't look particularly brainwashed or under mind control. The heroes exchange a confused and uncertain glance.]

Zidane: [to his friends] Um, uh…i-isn't that Cloud's villain?

Squall: [unshakably deadpan] Yep.

Tidus: [still gaping] And, uh, there's Cloud!

Squall: Yep.

Sephiroth: Can we help you?

Tidus: Yes! Yes, you can! Uh… [glances shiftily at his friends, unsure how to continue. Finally turns back to Sephiroth and the dazed Cloud] Um, just give us one minute!!

[He pulls Squall and Zidane into a huddle. As the three confer about what to do, Sephiroth looks down at Cloud and draws their faces close together]

Sephiroth: [silkily] Cloud?

Cloud: Yes?

Sephiroth: Your friends are here.

Cloud: What friends?

Sephiroth: [laughs richly at that] Oh, Cloud, you're just too easy!

[He removes his arms from around Cloud abruptly; Cloud crashes to the ground. The conferring heroes look up at the sound.]

Sephiroth: [still chuckling a little] Well, as much as I've enjoyed our little "Reunion" here, I think I'll leave you to your voyeuristic compatriots now. I'll look forward to meeting one of you on the field of battle tomorrow. [he smirks his (unintentionally?) sexy-beyond-all-reason smirk and nods in parting, turning to go] Pleasant dreams, Cloud.

[The heroes watch him walk off, his magnificent silver mane swirling behind him as he disappears around a corner. They finally all turn to one another. Regaining his senses at last, Cloud averts his eyes in embarrassment and hastily straightens his clothing. The others stand awkwardly about. Suddenly, Cloud punches the ground in fury.]

Cloud: Damn that Sephiroth!

Zidane: [confused] Say what?

Tidus: Weren't you just [gestures], you know, doing the hoo-haw with him a moment ago??

Squall: "Hoo-haw?"

Tidus: Shut up.

Cloud: [nods and suddenly covers his flushing face in his hands miserably] I know, I know—he always confuses me!

Zidane: [suddenly looking alert] He's not controlling you again, is he?!

Cloud: [shakes his head] No… I'm just… that… pathetic… [sobs]

Tidus: [pats Cloud's shoulder] Just pathetically in love, my friend. [gives Zidane a sheepish grin] Well, I guess that answers our question about who Cloud ended up with in the end, huh?

Zidane: I dunno… I think in the realm of fanfiction, what we just saw is what they'd call a "dub-con."

Tidus: Really? I thought it looked mutual.

Cloud: [shaking his head vehemently] I'm not in love with that villain! I can't be!

Zidane: See?

Tidus: [patting Cloud] Tsk, tsk. It's always confusing falling in love for the first time, Cloud! You just have to be patient with it until you figure it out. It happens to us all.

Zidane: That's true, actually. And we all do incredibly stupid things when we're in love.

Tidus: Sounds like you speak from experience.

Zidane: [rubs the back of his head sheepishly] Heheh, you could say that.

Tidus: [looking up at their silent friend] And how about you, Squall? Ever done stupid things for love?

Squall: …

Tidus: What do you mean "…?"

Squall: … #

Zidane: [in a stage whisper to Tidus] If he's talking in symbols, I think it means he's annoyed and we should stop bugging him.

Tidus: Oh, right. [smacks Cloud's back hearteningly] Okay, Cloud, enough blubbering—let's get back to my room. The others are waiting for us.

Zidane: Yeah, I think we should let everyone know you're okay and then hit the sack.

Tidus: [helps Cloud up and smiles kindly at him] Don't worry—you'll feel right as rain after you get some sleep. Trust me! [he and Zidane wrap friendly arms around his shoulders and lead him back toward the rooms. Cloud still looks rather embarrassed but seems grateful for the acceptance.]

Cloud: ...Thanks, guys. Sorry for making you worry.

[Though he is silent throughout, Squall is watching the scene keenly, his habitually lowered brow frowning even more than usual. He slips away from the others and doubles back toward the main building, where the reception was held. The hall is empty and darkened now, but he spots a light on under a door and moves toward it. A man's voice can be heard through it, apparently speaking to someone on the phone. Squall taps the door twice and then opens it. Tet-chan looks up in surprise from his desk.]

Tet-chan: [putting his hand over the phone's receiver] Squall-kun! What are you doing here?

Squall: Looking for you, actually.

Tet-chan: Me? [blinks, then quickly mutters, "I'll call you back later" into the phone before disconnecting. He then swivels his chair around to face Squall fully.] What can I do for you? Is your room not to your liking?

Squall: Haven't been there yet, actually.

Tet-chan: Then…?

Squall: I have a favor to ask. About tomorrow's match-ups…

---

What could Squall be planning? And who will our first match-up be when the fighting begins? Find out in the action-packed (literally!) fourth chapter of Tales of Dissidia: **Ready, Set, (wait for your meter to fill and) FIGHT!!**

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Sorry for the long hiatus, all—just got back from a 2-week trip to Japan where I finally got my mits on a copy of our beloved _Dissidia_! Playing it, I realized—man, but this story is so AU! I'll write some canonical _Dissidia_ fanfiction after I finish this one (and the game), but for now, I thought I'd continue ToD as is until I at least get through all the bits of later chapters I've already written. Hope I didn't scare too many of you with the BL—but really, what is a comedy without some bawdiness? :P Poor Cloud! We'll help him kick his addiction yet!! (or will we? o.0; ) Please review!


	4. Ready, Set, wait for your meter to

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4: Ready, Set, (wait for your meter to fill and) FIGHT!**

[The morning after the reception understandably finds our heroes slumped and groaning around the breakfast table with massive hangovers. At the moment, only Firion, Zidane, Luneth and Bartz are seated at the long table designated the "Heroes' Table," running the length of one side of the dining room (i.e. the reception hall of the previous night). Across the way, nearer the Villains' Doorway, another long table is set up for the baddies' breakfast.]

Bartz: [passed out with his head on the table, drool leaking out of one corner of his mouth] Mmnhrragghh…

Firion: [slouched over a short stack of uneaten pancakes] Hear, hear… Definitely… should not have had… that last beer…

Zidane: [raising his head from the bowl of porridge it had been resting in] Knew…there was…a reason for…age minimum…to drink… [suddenly covers his mouth and scurries off for the men's room looking very green in the face]

Firion: [makes a tally mark next to Zidane's name on the napkin he has been using as a "scorecard" and grins weakly] That's three for Zidane…

Luneth: 's he in the lead now…?

Firion: Tied with Bartz…

[As though sensing his name being called, Bartz blearily raises his head and blinks stupidly at the others for a minute before muttering, "Boco…" and passes out again.]

Luneth: Well, he's definitely down for the count…

[A peal of laughter from across the hall catches their attention. Luneth and Firion raise their heads heavily to glance over at the Villains' Table, where all 10 baddies are seated upright, heartily enjoying the sumptuous breakfast spread and engaging one another in lively (if somewhat cackle-full) conversation.]

Luneth: They sure are laughing a lot…

Firion: Prob'ly laughing at us…

Luneth: Definitely… But why aren't any of _them _hung over…?

Firion: Ya got me. Villains must have some kind of special immunity to alcohol…

Zidane: [trudging back up to them] Yeah, insanity probably has its perks…

[Luneth and Firion turn to greet their friend, who is still clutching his stomach pitifully but has a little more color back in his face. Zidane crawls into his chair and manages to move his bowl of porridge over before plopping his head back down on the table.]

Luneth: You feeling better, Zidane…?

Zidane: Just trying… not to breathe… too deeply… [he groans again]

Luneth: Good plan…

[Squall, a habitually late-riser, finally arrives at the Heroes' Table with a well-laden plate. He takes a seat next to Firion and starts in on his breakfast with gusto, looking none the worse for the heavy night of drinking.]

Firion: Squall… you're not… hung over…?

Squall: [crisply munching his bacon] No.

Zidane: How do you do it, man? [covering his ears] And… can you not chew so loud…?

Squall: [frown] I'm chewing at a normal volume.

Luneth: [also looking a little pained] What's a normal volume for chewing?

Squall: [getting annoyed] The same volume I always chew at?

Zidane: [under his breath to Firion] So Squall… has Villains' Immunity too…?

Firion: [also whispering] Explains the sparkling personality…

[The gong suddenly sounds. Luneth, Zidane and Firion clutch their heads in agony. A cheerful Tidus comes bounding up to them.]

Tidus: Hey, guys! So you're finally all awake, huh?

Squall: [sourly] So much for my peaceful breakfast…

Firion: Tidus… you're not hung over either…?

Zidane: Squall I get, but _you_…?

Tidus: [laughs heartily] After a teeny, little whistle-wetting like last night? That was nothing!

Squall: [scowling at Tidus] Don't lie. You stumbled into my room this morning with your shirt on backwards and half your pant leg cut off.

Tidus: [pouting] But my pants always look like that.

Luneth: [glancing down] Strangely enough, that's true.

Squall: [ignoring them] You were so hung over you couldn't _see_ straight two hours ago. You must've taken something.

Tidus: [laughs] Okay, okay, you got me. [charging up magic] Gentlemen, I've got just the thing for you!

[He casts a spell on the entire group. Luneth, Firion, Zidane and even Bartz suddenly spring up in their seats, clear-eyed and alert.]

Firion: [astounded] My… my hangover's gone!

Zidane: My stomach's totally recovered!

Luneth: How did you do that? I feel 100% better!

Tidus: Simple—I cast a Heal spell! "Cures all status ailments," right? [winks]

Bartz: [blinks] Now, why didn't _I _ever think of that?

Firion: [in awe] Genius… the man's a genius…!

Tidus: [shrugging it off gracefully] Nah. It's actually an age-old trick used by villains to instantly relieve their hangovers.

Zidane: That makes sense, cuz you've seen how they drink—they'd out-drink a flock of thirsty cactuars!

Bartz: Eh? Then how did _you_ learn their trick?

Tidus: There are advantages to having a semi-villainous parent, you know? [winks] Though it took Dad years to get one of the others to fork it over—there's apparently a hierarchy to the coveted Villain's Trade Secrets, and that one was fairly high up.

Luneth: Really? I wonder why…

Tidus: [shrugs] I hear you're supposed to keep your head clear of alcohol while a fledgling villain so that it doesn't get in the way of the "madness cultivating in the mind" or something like that. Only experienced villains get to drink themselves silly.

Zidane: [snorts] 'Guess it doesn't speak well of Kuja that he was drinking gallons of wine by the time he was 15…

[Terra and Cloud finally arrive, both carrying plates of food and looking quite refreshed.]

Terra: Tidus! Thanks again for the Heal spell! We would've been stuck in that breakfast line forever if you hadn't come along.

Tidus: No problem-o! But take a seat, guys—Tet-chan said he was going to make the opening remarks soon, so you'd better eat quick.

Bartz: [hopping out of his chair and pulling an empty one out for Terra] You can sit here, Terra.

Terra: Oh, thank you!

Bartz: [smiling as he pushes her chair in for her] You're welcome.

[When Bartz re-seats himself, Firion gives him a raised eyebrow.]

Bartz: [red-faced] I-I was practicing being a gentleman.

Firion: [smirk] Suuuuure.

[The empty chair next to Squall silently slides a few inches out. Cloud wordlessly seats himself in it and begins eating.]

Terra: Where is everyone else?

Bartz: Cecil finished eating early and went out to the balcony to get some fresh air. I think Warrior-sama's out there too—meditating or something, since he apparently doesn't eat breakfast either.

Tidus: Oh, I'd better go get them too—looks like Tet-chan's ready to start!

[He scampers off just as the squeaking sound of a microphone flaring to life is heard over the room's speaker system. The group looks up to find Tet-chan, dressed casually today in a subtly but supremely well-cut designer t-shirt and jeans, standing behind the podium at the front of the room.]

Tet-chan: Good morning, my friends! I hope you all had a pleasant night and enjoyed our breakfast buffet this morning. Now that you've had a chance to settle in and get acquainted, we come to, I guess you'd call it, the "meat" of our little gathering on Dissidia—the tournament! As you know, Dissidia: Final Fantasy will be a fighting-style game and we're going to get in the spirit of things by holding our first ever Heroes versus Villains Tournament!

[Terra senses someone behind her and turns to find Warrior of Light and Cecil have rejoined the heroes, along with Tidus. Their attention is all turned on Tet-chan, but the movement of her turning causes Warrior of Light to glance down at her. Catching her eye, he smiles briefly and nods a little in greeting before raising his eyes to Tet-chan again. The angle is quite advantageous and Terra stares a star-struck moment longer before hurriedly turning forward again to listen to Tet-chan.]

Tet-chan: So, let me start by explaining the rules—in general, there are none! Once you are in your arenas facing down your assigned opponent, anything goes, so be on your guard and don't hold back! All we ask is that once one opponent has been dispatched and the winner of the match is clear, stop your attack and declare your victory to one of our little Eye-in-the-Sky Robot Hover Cams that will be floating around your arena recording battle footage.

Bartz: [raising his hand] Um, what do you mean "declare your victory?"

Tet-chan: Oh, you know, toss your hair, strike a pose, do a little flourish as you re-sheathe your weapon or something. In other words, it'll be the footage we'll use when we play the Final Fantasy Fanfare in the game.

All: Ahh.

Tet-chan: Everyone clear? Then it's time to pick our match-ups!

[He gestures to a subordinate who wheels a pushcart with two tall, opaque containers on it onto the small stage. Behind Tet-chan, a large screen comes rolling down from the ceiling, onto which a digital projection of a laptop desktop appears. It bears a wallpaper image of a young ninja with dark, spiked-in-the-back hair and a flashy logo reading "NARUTO" in the corner.]

Tidus: [whispering to Firion] Ah-hah! I _knew_ Tet-chan was a Sasuke fan!

Firion: Huh? How come?

Tidus: Come on, have you _seen _the main character of Final Fantasy Versus XIII?

Firion: [realization dawning] …Oh my god, you're so right…! I never realized before, but the hair, the collar, the sleeves, the red Sharingan-like eyes—!

Tidus: [conspiratorially] Heheh, bet you also didn't realize that long before _FFVII _ever came out, the hero of _Berserk_ carried an oversized sword and was fighting a silver-haired general-turned-villain who did something awful to the heroine halfway through the series either, hmm?

Firion: [blinks] …No. Wait, you're not saying—?

Tidus: Nah, it's all just speculation. But I bet it wasn't a coincidence that Sephiroth's voice actor had also played the voice of the villain, Griffith, in the _Berserk_ anime either… [winks]

[Meanwhile, on the podium, Tet-chan has just turned to the screen and realized with a start that his wallpaper is showing. He quickly rolls his mouse cursor over a document entitled "tournament-bracket" and double-clicks. A moment later, a large, empty tournament bracket chart appears on the screen.]

Tet-chan: Ahh, there we are. Now, to get started, we'll decide the match-ups of Round I by having our brave heroes over there [some of the villains boo] come up and draw the name of a villain from this box and then an arena from this one. [gestures to the larger and smaller boxes respectively] So, come on up, heroes!

[The heroes all glance uncertainly at each other, then slowly climb to their feet and make their way toward the stage while the villains jeer from their table.]

Tet-chan: Now, now—no fussing, villains! You'll get to draw your opponent in the next round. That is, if you aren't eliminated this round, of course!

Firion: You mean it's a single-round elimination tournament?

Tet-chan: Yep! We're going for an intense knock-out tournament for maximum excitement, ferocity and, not to mention, the sake of saving on time and expenses! [a little sheepishly] We're a little behind schedule with production as it is.

Squall: [under his breath to Cloud] Figures.

Luneth: [to Zidane] I _so _don't have a good feeling about this…

Zidane: [giving his shoulder a pat] Aah, you'll be fine. Have some confidence in yourself—you've beaten a super villain before!

Luneth: Yeah, in a party of _four!_

Zidane: Hmm, good point. Y'know, I never thought about it before but… this whole party system thing is kind of unfair to the villains, isn't it?

Tet-chan: [suddenly appearing between them] Yes, they often complain to me about that despite the millions of hit points and devastating "knock a hero down to 1 HP," cheap-shot spells I give them. That's why we wanted to give you heroes a chance to prove that you deserved to win—parties or no!

Cecil: [epiphany] Ahh, I see! So that's why you decided to celebrate an RPG series' 20th anniversary with a fighting game?

Tet-chan: [sweatdrop] Uh, *cough* yeah… something like that… [popping back over to the microphone] In any case, let's start the drawings! Warrior of Light, would you do the honors of drawing first?

[WoL nods and steps forward. He produces a name and arena card, glances at them briefly, then hands them to Tet-chan.]

Tet-chan: And our first match-up, taking place in Arena VII, is between Final Fantasy I's Warrior of Light and Final Fantasy IX's Kuja!

[The villains all burst into jeers and applause; ExDeath leans over to shake hands with Kuja, who shoots Warrior of Light a smug, cruel smile and tosses his hair.]

Zidane: [to WoL as he returns to his place in line] I'm pretty sure you've got Kuja beat, Warrior-sama, but just in case, [lowers his voice conspiratorially] you can always distract him by telling him he's got cellulite on his thighs.

WoL: Cellulite?

Zidane: Yep. Works eeeevery time.

WoL: [smiles] Thank you for the tip. I shall do my best.

Tet-chan: Next up, Firion!

[The heroes applaud, the villains snigger. Emperor calls, "yoo-hoo!" and Firion scowls darkly but ignores him.]

Tet-chan: [taking the drawn cards from Firion] All right! Our next match-up, in—oh! Right outside, in the main stadium here, Arena I—will be Final Fantasy II's Firion versus Final Fantasy V's ExDeath!

[The villains gibber again; ExDeath puffs up and begins booming proudly about destroying memory, time and existence, etc.]

Firion: Feh. He doesn't look so tough.

Tidus: He's the tree, right? Then I've got just the thing! [places a large bottle of weed-killer in Firion's hands]

Cloud: Uh… I'm not sure that will work on him, Tidus…

Squall: 'Bet a chainsaw would, though. [imagining it] Heh.

Tet-chan: Next up, Luneth!

Luneth: [with some dread] Oh boy…

Zidane: [giving him an encouraging push toward center stage] Just go for it—don't worry!

Luneth: [muttering under his breath as he reaches into the box] Please don't be a scary one, please don't be a scary one… [he draws the cards and hands them to Tet-chan without looking at them, then quickly scurries back toward the line of heroes]

Tet-chan: Ahh, it looks like Final Fantasy III's Luneth will be fighting in Arena II against our resident sorceress, Ultimecia of Final Fantasy VIII!

Luneth: Oh, the witch lady? Phew, she doesn't seem so bad. [glances over at the tall, ominously quiet form of Ultimecia and jumps a little when he realizes she is staring back at him with her unnerving pale, yellow eyes. She raises her glass of wine toward him in a toasting gesture, and then slowly upends its contents on the floor, creating a blood-red pool at her feet into which she drops the glass and then crushes it under her stiletto heel, sneering at him all the while. Luneth goes deathly pale.]

Luneth: [horror] Oh my god, I'm going to die…

Zidane: [ditto] Yeah… Uh… Do you think you can ask to switch with someone?

Luneth: Would you switch with me?

Zidane: Uh… no.

Tet-chan: Ultimecia! Do you know how much those Swarovski glasses cost?!

Ultimecia: [laughing a husky laugh] Don't worry, Tet-chan. Broken toys can always be fixed. [she waves her hand vaguely and the glass reforms itself in her hand filled with fresh wine. She grins chillingly at Luneth again.] Broken little boys, on the other hand…

[Squall steps up next to the now faint-looking Luneth and catches his shoulder.]

Squall: [under his breath] …Make sure you've got Reflect or Magic Barrier up at the start of your match and you'll be fine.

Luneth: Huh? Why?

Squall: She's a witch and she likes cheap shots. But all she's got is her magic and her taunts, so keep the barrier up and she won't be able to touch you. [he thumps Luneth's shoulder once before turning to walk back to his spot in line.]

Zidane: …That was strangely nice for Squall.

Luneth: Yeah… Do you think that means he actually likes me?

Zidane: Sure. [to himself] Or that Ultimecia is so horrifically powerful that without the tips, you'd be dead… [gulps and pats Luneth's shoulder] Y'know, buddy, there's no shame in forfeiting a match because you've got diarrhea or something.

Luneth: Huh? But I don't have diarrhea…

Zidane: [whispers] Lie.

Luneth: [offended] C'mon, I'm not _that _pathetic!

Zidane: I didn't say you were! But you were worried about getting beaten up—

Luneth: [fired up] Well, not anymore! And I'm gonna prove it by beating her!!

Zidane: [relieved] Awesome, that's the spirit! But— [drops a case of sparkly blue bottles into his arms] –take some extra X-Potions just in case.

Luneth: [sourly] Thanks.

Tet-chan: Ahem! Continuing on—can I have Cecil Harvey up here, please?

[Cecil strides forward and is taken aback by a loud wolf whistle. Glancing at the Villains' Table, he sees Cloud of Darkness waving flirtatiously at him.]

Tet-chan: Oh-ho! Looks like you've got an admirer, Cecil!

Cecil: [stiffly] I-I'm a married man, Tet-chan. A-anyway, villains don't romance the people they like—they try to kill them, don't they?

Tidus: [elbowing Cloud with a mischievous grin] Yeah, don't they?

Cloud: [flushing red] I-I wouldn't know…

[Tidus laughs and pats him good-naturedly while Squall glares darkly at Tidus over Cloud's head.]

Tet-chan: [looking up from the cards Cecil has handed him] And it looks like our holy paladin from Final Fantasy IV will be fighting none other than Garland, our original Final Fantasy villain!!

[The villains all burst into raucous applause at that. Kefka begins singing out, "Cecil's gonna die-ie! Cecil's gonna die-ie!" Garland and Golbez exchange a brief look.]

Garland: [nodding solemnly] A fortuitous turn of events.

Golbez: …

Tet-chan: All right, good luck there, Cecil—you can do it! Next up, Bartz, come up here please!

Bartz: [drawing the cards and glancing at them] Oh… I got the clown guy…

Tet-chan: Yes, indeed! It's Bartz of Final Fantasy V versus everyone's favorite mad clown mage, Kefka of Final Fantasy VI!

[At that, Kefka leaps onto the Villains' Table and begins doing somersaults and handstands, cackling madly and spilling people's cups of orange juice.]

Kefka: Vee hee hee! Welcome to my barbecue!!

Bartz: [gaping at him] …That is SO disturbing…

Terra: [sweatdrop] Oh, don't worry… Even when he's bouncing around, if you cast Vanish on him and then an attack spell, it'll hit him 100%!

Firion: Oh, yeah! I remember that trick! Aren't you supposed to use Vanish + Doom, since Doom normally doesn't work on bosses but Vanish makes the target 100% vulnerable to any magic attack?

Terra: [sweatdrop] Oh, uh, yes, but, uh… we try not to talk about that bug…

Firion: [sweatdrop] Oh, sorry…

Bartz: Thank you for the tip, though, Terra!

Terra: You're welcome. [smiles kindly at him] Good luck!

Bartz: [blushing] S-say… um, maybe after the battle—

Cloud: [tapping Terra's shoulder] Terra, I think Tet-chan is calling you.

Terra: Oh! [hurries up to draw her cards]

Firion: [patting a crestfallen Bartz's shoulder] Well, there's always next time, buddy.

Bartz: Yeah…

Cloud: ?

Tet-chan: [taking Terra's cards from her] Thank you, my dear. Oh-ho! It looks like our lovely heroine, Terra of Final Fantasy VI, will be fighting Final Fantasy II's Emperor Palmecia in Arena X!

[The villains hoot and jeer; Emperor makes a grand, sweeping bow to Terra who hurries, red-faced, back to her spot in line.]

Tet-chan: Uh, do play fair, huh, Emperor?

Emperor: But of course, Tet-chan. How could you think otherwise of me?

Tet-chan: Too many reasons to enumerate now… [cough] Next up, [brightens] Cloud? Will you come up here, please~?

[Cloud walks stoically up to the boxes, determinedly ignoring the wild hoots and whistles coming from the villains' table. Various shouts of "Pick me, hot stuff!" and "Oh, wait till I get my hands on you, you (etc, etc, bleeped out to keep the PG rating)!" are heard over the din. Sephiroth simply grins his smug "I own you" grin and waits expectantly. Cloud hurriedly looks away.]

Cloud: [pausing before reaching to draw a card] Tet-chan… it's not possible to draw your own villain, is it?

Tet-chan: Well, uh, all the names are in there, but I want everyone matched up to different villains, if you don't mind. So if you get Sephiroth, I'll ask you to draw again.

Cloud: [looking reassured] Phew. Thanks.

Tet-chan: Huh? Not in the mood to fight Sephiroth? That's unusual.

Cloud: [evasively] Oh, uh, I just thought it would be interesting to try fighting someone else's villain. You know, just to mix it up a little…

Tet-chan: [laughs] Sure, sure, I get it. Nice of you to "share the wealth" with your new friends, huh? Very big of you, Cloud-tan.

Cloud: Uh, right… [He draws a set of cards, glances at them and then hands them to Tet-chan.]

Tet-chan: Oh, isn't that interesting? FFVII's Cloud versus FFIII's Cloud—of Darkness, that is!

Cloud of Darkness: [laughs shrilly] Oh, goody, goody! [seductively at Cloud] My pretty darling, we're going to have _so _much fun~

Tet-chan: Ooh, that _is _going to be an exciting match-up~ Looking forward to that one! But moving on, next up—oh! It's Squall's turn!

[Squall walks up to Tet-chan, with whom he seems to share a brief, silent exchange before he reaches into the villains' box and deliberately draws a card. As he pulls it out, the card catches on the edge of the box and drops from Squall's hand.]

Tet-chan: Oh! Let me get that for you! [hurriedly squats down and fumbles to pick up the card.]

Tet-chan: [straightening] Ah, and it looks like we've got another exciting match-up here—our stoic Squall Leonhart of Final Fantasy VIII will be fighting the one, the only, SEPHIROTH!!

[The announcement draws gasps and excited hoots from both sides. Sephiroth catches Squall's eye and grins. Squall simply glares back per usual and stalks back to stand by Cloud.]

Tet-chan: All right, we're down to our final two heroes and villains, aren't we? Who do we have left? Zidane and Tidus on the heroes' side and… Golbez and Jecht on the villains' side!

Jecht: [waving cheerily] Hi, son!!

Tidus: [waving enthusiastically back] Hi, dad!!

Heroes: [nervous chuckling]

Villains: [sniggers mixed with mocking "aww's"]

Tet-chan: Hmm, well that won't do—I wanted to make sure everyone got mixed up in this first round because we'll be using this footage for the Dissidia opening movie and we've gotta pimp the "crossover" concept. Hmm… [gestures Tidus and Zidane forward] Okay, executive decision-making time here—I'm going to assign Jecht to fight Zidane, and Tidus to fight Golbez, to make sure we get a mix.

Zidane: Wait, I get Jecht? Seriously?? [jumps up and down and waves to Jecht] Jecht, this is gonna be awesome!

Jecht: Oh-ho! So it's you and me, eh, lad? [laughs merrily] Yes, let's have a good, friendly sparring match!

Tidus: Aw, lucky! I wanna spar with dad!

Tet-chan: [fanboying] Oh, it's so nice to see you and your dad finally getting along, Tidus-kun!! I'm so happy for you!

Tidus: Me, too!

Tet-chan: Ah, but here—you two still get to choose your arenas. [holds out arena box to the heroes]

Zidane: I got Arena IV.

Tidus: And I got VI!

Tet-chan: Fantastic! All right, we've got all the Round 1 match-ups decided, so everyone get your gear, warm up, use the restroom, et cetera, and be out on your assigned arena by 10AM! Heroes and villains, you're dismissed. Film crew, come up here for a quick powwow, please. This is gonna be one heck of a morning!

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Loyal readers, please forgive me.

**m(__)m**

I know, 6 months is a ridiculous amount of time to wait for an update, but please note that this isn't the only chapter I uploaded today! Actually, everything in this update (this chapter along with the following 10) was originally meant to be one chapter… but, well, it got longer and longer and I thought I'd better slice it up/put each battle in its own chapter for easier bookmarking (and reviewing*cough*shameless*cough*). In all, this update is 38 pages long, so I hope you'll find it a meaty enough offering to forgive me the long, long absence (especially when so many people were kind enough to leave reviews and encourage me! Reviewers—you are the reason I kept going through all this! Thank you!!). I really hope you will find these chapters worth the wait! :: bows ::

And—hey! I updated on the day of Dissidia's US release! :D This was my final goal, and as luck would have it, inspiration struck this morning and I was able to finish up the one battle that I'd been stuck on for the past month or so (stupid Kefka, you should be the _easiest _character to write in a comedy fic! :: kicks :: ). So yes, I hope you enjoyed our little prelude to battle here and will have fun with the all ten battles ahead!

---

**Onward to Chapter 4b: Battle 1—Firion vs. ExDeath!! **


	5. Battle 1: Firion vs ExDeath

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4b: Battle 1— Firion vs. ExDeath **

[In the grand multi-tiered stadium dubbed "Arena I," Firion and ExDeath are approaching each other in the center of the ring.]

ExDeath: Hem! Haw! So you're my opponent, are you?

Firion: Yeah… we kinda saw each other in the dining room too.

ExDeath: Ahem, ahum, yes, well— [squints through his helmet] –things tend to look a bit different in the daylight, don't they? I thought you'd be rather bigger! Haw! Ahem!

Firion: Um… Do you have a cold or something?

ExDeath: Hem, haw, eh? What's that?

Firion: A cold?

ExDeath: No, no—ahem! Just clearing my lungs of that fetid "aura of goodness" that hovers all over you heroes like mosquitoes on a memsahib on safari! Nearly spoiled my breakfast, all that putrid heroism!

Firion: Huh?!

ExDeath: Even now—pew! The stench of idealism with the lingering undertones of justice and compassion that clings to you… [shudders] I'd be holding my nose if it weren't ghastly bad manners—blasted ghastly! Hem! Hem! Haw!

Firion: Wow… never knew just being good was such a natural deterrent to evil.

ExDeath: Hem! Ah, well, you see, my man—when one is formed of as much evil and mal-intent as I, the very presence of goodness is enough to make one, oh, a bit… ah, nauseous. Yes, to put it delicately. Ahem! Ahaw!

Firion: Oh, sorry. Guess you and Bartz don't hang out much then, huh?

ExDeath: "Hang out?" If by that you mean call upon each other to while away a morning on the lawn in our cricket whites, no—ho, ho—no, we did not. In fact, we prattle too long as it is, you and I. A man's words should be backed by his steel!

Firion: Sounds good to me! But—wait, I thought you were a mage?

ExDeath: Haw! Oh? Hoom, yes, you are correct. Well— [a huge blade of magic energy appears in his hands] –I suppose my words shall be backed by my _magical_ steel!

Firion: Uh, right. [suddenly notices his shoelace is untied] Argh, my shoelace. One second. [bends down to tie it]

ExDeath: Too much tarrying! The fight must begin!! [swings the sword down at the back of Firion's head]

Firion: Whoa!! [leaping back quickly] Hey! I said wait a minute—I'm not ready!!

ExDeath: [pursuing relentlessly] Too much whining! Keep a stiff upper lip and all that, my man!!

[He swings his enormous magic blade again; Firion narrowly dodges, but the tip of the blade catches the fabric of his tunic and tears a hole in its side. A glass bottle falls out and shatters on the floor at their feet.]

Firion: Geez, now you've done it! You couldn't just wait TWO SECONDS for me to tie my shoelace?!

ExDeath: Hem?! Lugging spirits about in your sleeve to staunch the pain of defeat? Pathetic and unmanly!

Firion: It's NOT alcohol, okay?!

ExDeath: [pauses] Haw…indeed… Er, what is that odd smell?

Firion: [covering his nose] Oh, ew, the weed-killer Tidus gave me—

ExDeath: W-weed-killer?! [stares down in belated realization at the burning soles of his feet] Gyaaahhhhh!!! [begins hopping about from one foot to the other] Oh! It burns! It burns!!

Firion: Huh? What?! The weed-killer actually worked—?!

ExDeath: [howling in agony] Ohhhhh, it's too much! Put it out, put it out!!

Firion: U-uh, um—

ExDeath: Water! Water! Hurry!!

Firion: O-okay! [thinks quickly and casts the only watery spell he can think of] _Flood!! _

ExDeath: [washed away in the deluge] Gwaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!

Firion: Oh… [sweatdrop] Uh, I guess that worked a little too well… [looks away from the KO'd ExDeath and flashes the nearest robot camera a grin and a peace sign]

Firion: Victory!

**  
---**

**Next Battle: Luneth vs. Ultimecia—GO!!!**


	6. Battle 2: Luneth vs Ultimecia

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4c: Battle 2— Luneth vs. Ultimecia**

[In the wide expanse of grassy field dubbed "Arena II," Luneth stands ready and braced for battle. He has followed Squall's advice and has cast a Magic Barrier spell on himself. Ultimecia is strolling languidly toward him, idly sipping a martini.]

Ultimecia: Who do we have here? One of the little ones… are you the one from Final Fantasy IX?

Luneth: [flushing darkly] The name's Luneth! I'm the hero of Final Fantasy III!

Ultimecia: Oh, a _remake _hero, hm? [sighs drearily as Luneth fumes in the background] Well, this is going to end quickly…

Luneth: What was that?!

Ultimecia: [downing the rest of her drink with one gulp] Poor boy… the fates must be against you.

Luneth: I may not look like much, but I'm just as strong as any other Final Fantasy hero!

Ultimecia: Hmm, perhaps you are. But unfortunately for you, I'm _not _just as strong as any other Final Fantasy villain… [charges an enormously powerful spell and shoots it at Luneth in the blink of an eye; the spell impacts with an earth-shattering explosion]

Ultimecia: --I'm much _stronger._ [toasts her martini glass] Cheers!

Luneth: Don't celebrate so soon!

[Ultimecia chokes on her sip and whirls in surprise to find Luneth still standing (though reeling a bit) amidst the clearing dust.]

Luneth: [grinning despite coughing dirt out of his lungs] Heh… is that the best you've got?

Ultimecia: [blinking] Well, that was a surprise. [notices the spell] Ah, so that's it. A Magic Barrier… [grins] Very clever. You may prove to be an interesting opponent after all, little Luneth.

Luneth: [charging up magic] You can bet on that! And here goes!!

[He shoots a Blizzard spell at her. Ultimecia raises a clawed hand and waves it once, almost lazily; the billowing spell immediately evaporates into the air.]

Ultimecia: [laughs huskily] Oh, honestly, child, you're embarrassing yourself. You call that a Blizzard spell?

Luneth: [flushing red] Shut up!

Ultimecia: Really, using magic that weak on a great witch such as myself? I'd heard DS remakes tended to be a little watered down, but I can't believe my kindred sister could have been defeated by the likes of you!

[Snapping, Luneth's hand flies to his sword hilts and the Magic Barrier wavers for a moment. Luckily he catches the sudden dangerous gleam in Ultimecia's eyes and stops himself in time.]

Luneth: [dragging his hands away from the swords] No… gotta keep the barrier up…

Ultimecia: Oh, dear. You're not planning to drop your barrier at all, are you? But you're not a mage… your MP must be reaching its limit.

Luneth: [glancing around for a plan] I've got enough MP to keep _you_ back until I figure out how to beat you!

Ultimecia: [scoffs] Silly, silly… you can't attack me without dropping your barrier, and if you do that, my spells will obliterate you before you can take a step! [magically procures another martini from the air and takes a sip] Well, it seems we're at an awkward impasse.

Luneth: [still thinking fast and sweating a bit under the strain of the barrier] …

Ultimecia: Tell you what—I'll make you a little concession since it won't be any fun just waiting you out; let's make this a match of physical blows _only_—how's that?

Luneth: What?

Ultimecia: No magic. You have your sword there, after all—so let's see you use it.

Luneth: Wait—do you mean you won't use _any _magic?!

Ultimecia: [a leisurely sip] Of course, darling—that's what "a match of physical blows_" _generally means.

Luneth: But… seriously?? [gets suspicious] This must be some villainous trick—

Ultimecia: [holding up a clawed hand like a boy scout] Absolutely not. On my honor as a witch—and yes, witches _do _have honor, you know.

Luneth: They _do?_

Ultimecia: Yes. Haven't you seen _Kiki's Delivery Service?_

Luneth: ????

Ultimecia: Oh, never mind. [downs the rest of her glass] So? What do you say? At the least, you can call foul to Tet-chan if I go back on my word and we'll get this tiresome match over with.

Luneth: I guess that's true… But wait, without magic, how are _you_ going to fight?

Ultimecia: Well, I maybe a primary magic user, but even the most athletically challenged mage has a "Fight" command, you know.

Luneth: I… I guess that's true. But you wouldn't stand a chance against me!

Ultimecia: [laughs huskily] Ahh, you want an honorable match, do you? Would you _really _give up the incredible chance I'm offering you in the name of honor?

Luneth: Well… well, you need a weapon, at least!

Ultimecia: Oh, you needn't worry about that, child. I have a weapon~ [brandishes her empty martini glass]

Luneth: What?! You're kidding! There's no way you'll beat me with that!

Ultimecia: Yes, I will.

Luneth: Are you making fun of me?!

Ultimecia: [chuckles] I've _been _making fun of you, dear, but what does that matter? Let's get this battle started already. Drop your barrier.

Luneth: …

Ultimecia: Oh, come now. I said drop your _barrier, _not drop your _pants. _Stop acting like a bashful virgin—the sun's coming up and I'm going to have an extremely awkward tan line down my front if this goes on much longer.

[Note: If you've never seen Ultimecia's outfit in Dissidia, do take a look. You'll see what she means… :P]

Luneth: [blushing] Stop pushing me! I'm trying to figure out if there's some loophole you'll be able to use to cast your Time Magic or something. You'll probably say it's not an attack spell so it's allowed…

Ultimecia: [grins] Smart boy. I did consider trying to trick you into something like that, but I changed my mind. I distinctly said "_no magic," _so don't worry. [looks thoughtful] Good thought, though. I suppose the Wordless Wonderboy must have tipped you off about my tricks…

Luneth: [blinks] ...Did…you just call Squall the "Wordless Wonderboy"…?

Ultimecia: Mm? Of course. Either that or _"Dances With She-Wolves."_

[Luneth quickly turns his back and struggles to smother his laughter. Ultimecia notices and continues with a sly look.]

Ultimecia: Then there's also the "Leather-clad Loner-boy," "Final Fantasy Emo," the "Belligerent Boy-toy," "Walking Buzz-kill," the "Opium-pushing Poppyfield Wanderer"…

[By this time, Luneth is doubled over in silent laughter. Keeping her voice bored-sounding, Ultimecia begins sneaking silently up on Luneth.]

Ultimecia: …the "Dour Dorm-dweller" and, my absolute favorite—"_Downer Without a Cause."_

Luneth: [unable to contain himself any longer] BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! [rolling around on the floor] Oh, stop! Stop! That's too funny!!

Ultimecia: [standing directly behind Luneth] As you wish! 3

[She slams her martini glass down on Luneth's head; Luneth keels over, out cold.]

Ultimecia: [tossing the broken glass over her shoulder] See? I told you that was all I needed.

---

**Next Battle: Bartz vs. Kefka—GO!!!**


	7. Battle 3: Bartz vs Kefka

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4d: Battle 3— Bartz vs. Kefka **

[Arena III is a wide sandbar fenced in by the stormy, gray sea on one side and an austere wall of rock on the other. Bartz stands braced for battle on the beach amidst the spray of the breaking waves. His opponent, Kefka, is poised on the very top of one of the several towering rock formations sprouting from the watery shoals about 10 yards from the shore.]

Bartz: [shouting over the roar of the waves and the wind] Hey! Heeeey! Come down already! Aren't we going to fight?!

Kefka: [spinning slowly around on one tiptoe] Why, _hello_ down there! I was wondering where my appreciative audience was! [he does an oddly graceful arabesque and then flips into an impressive one-armed handstand, wiggling his free hand gaily] See? I should be hearing all sorts of "oohs" and "ahhs" by now, I thought! [glances at the unamused Bartz] No? Well, then, I suppose I could settle for a few… [his waving hand suddenly steadies and begins glowing with power] …"aaaaaaaahs!!" [emitting an unsettlingly high-pitched scream, he shoots several rapid, massive blasts of magic at Bartz, who only barely manages to dodge]

Bartz: [rolling hastily to his feet and quickly casting Reflect on himself] Wh-what the heck kind of sneak attack was that?!

Kefka: [somersaulting onto another spindly rock column] Ohh, you didn't like my little trick? But it's maaaagic! I thought kids like you loved magic tricks! 3

Bartz: Not when they nearly fry me to a crisp! Come down here already and fight me for real!!

Kefka: Ohh, you're no fun at all! [summons three grinning Bomb monsters and begins juggling them like balls] Want to know what the best thing about being a villain is?

Bartz: [suspicious] …What?

Kefka: [still juggling] Ohh, there are so many reasons~ We always start out at a super-high level, our clothes are so much grander, our lines are cleverer, we get to sit around on our tushes eating bonbons all day while you heroes have to run all over the world on the backs of overgrown chickens—and we always get the best laughs! Observe: Vee hee hee!!!!

Bartz: Sure. And you always lose in the end, too.

Kefka: [gasps] Oh, now that was _low_! Terribly, terribly low! [claps his hands between juggling Bombs] I love it!

Bartz: If you're trying to wait out my Reflect spell to attack, you're out of luck. I'm in Black Mage mode right now so my MP won't be running out anytime soon. You may as well quit playing around and come down here!

Kefka: Ooh, snippy, snippy! You want to play with me so badly? Then… [suddenly hurls one of the Bombs he's juggling straight down at Bartz] _Catch!!_

Bartz: [to himself] Those things explode on contact…! I can't let it get to me… [thinking fast, he switches into Mime mode and summons Tidus's blitzball] Perfect! Take _this!_ [hurls the blitzball at the Bomb; the two collide in midair and explode]

Kefka: Ooh! Ooh! A new trick! Well, here's more where that came from!! [launches the other two Bombs in his hands at Bartz; Bartz throws summoned copies of Zidane's twin blades at them.]

Kefka: [clapping his hands] Bravo! Bravo!! You stole all your allies' moves and weapons since yours couldn't reach the Bombs in time—I like it, I like it! Do tell—does this mean that somewhere on this island, whoever owned the beachball and the short swords are now doing without them in the middle of their battles? 3 [grins evilly] Ohh, we may really get along, you and I!

Bartz: Of course not! It's called a "Mime" technique—I just copy their moves and weapons.

Kefka: "Mime?" Did you say "_Mime??" _[he suddenly leaps into the air and hurtles straight toward Bartz with a frighteningly wide grin on his face] Kindred Brother!! Come to me!

Bartz: [freaking out] "B-brother?!" I'm not your brother!! [frantically leaps clear just as Kefka crashes into the sand] I'm one of the few Final Fantasy heroes who _doesn't _have a brother for a villain!!

Kefka: [raising his maniacally grinning face with sand caked all over his clown makeup] Metaphorically, lad! Metaphysically! We're absolutely kindred spirits! [leaps again]

Bartz: Gaahh!! Stay away! [dodges aside and shoves Warrior of Light's shield in Kefka's face]

Kefka: But just think of all the pranks we could play, the two-man jokes we could perform, tit-for-tat! I know I'm a barrel of laughs all on my own, but truth be told— [lowers his voice conspiratorially and leans in over the shield toward Bartz who leans as far away as he can] –there's only so much a one-man-show can pull off, you know. After a while, it might start getting… [shudders] _old. _[brightens again] But if we were to be a comedy _duo— _vee hee hee~~!! Just _imagine _the wild capers we could pull off! We'd have people talking for years, fanficking like slash-bunnies at a Gundam Wing convention, performing comedy sets at cosplay Masquerades using our signature lines!! Just think—we'd be the most popular villains of the franchise, being so much livelier, better dressed and more personable than that pasty-faced _Sephiroth. _[makes a face]

Bartz: [backing away] Okay, look, you crazy clown—I'm not your "kindred brother" and I am _not _interested in joining your comedy duo!

Kefka: Ohhh, but why not?? It could be such _fun! 3 _

Bartz: Well, for one thing… I don't like stand-up comics.

Kefka: [freezing in shock] What?!

Bartz: [with a slight pout] I… I just think their jokes are mean. You know, picking on the balding guy in the back of the audience, or calling out some Asian-looking guy and making up mean, pseudo-Chinese names for him like "Man Yuu Fat" or something…?

Kefka: [a slight pause; then] BWA HA HA HA HA!!!

Bartz: That's not funny!!

Kefka: Vee he he he he, oh, yes, it _is!_ And your expression right now makes it doubly hilarious!!

Bartz: [shocked] You're horrible!!

Kefka: [wiping tears of mirth from his eyes] Ho ho ho, that was a good laugh. But you're really not amused, are you?

Bartz: Of course not! What decent—

Kefka: Oh, that's no good! Better be careful now; you know what they say—[singsong] _all work and no play makes Battz a dull boy~_ [pauses] Oh, that was supposed to be "Bartz," wasn't it? But "Battz" has such a nice ring to it—evokes images of belfries and black capes with pointy-eared cowls and things. [lightbulb] You know, I should introduce you to my cousin Heath's favorite playmate! He's tall, dark and oh-so-_serious_—just like you! Well, except for the "tall" part~

[He pauses and notes that Bartz is staring long and hard at him, his brow furrowed in puzzlement.]

Kefka: What? No caped crusading for you?

Bartz: No, uh… [blinks] …Am I… missing a reference…??

Kefka: Oh? You didn't get that one? I thought it was fairly obvious~ I mean, just look at my lovely, new CG'd face! The family resemblance is—

Bartz: No… [looking genuinely upset] I… I really missed a reference?? No way!! [produces several impossibly thick volumes of FF Ultimanias from his belt pouch and begins flipping through frantically]

Kefka: Oh, uh… [looking a little lost] Well, what if I said, "utility belt?" "Bam?" "Pow?" "Maggie Gyllenhaal?"

Bartz: No—I don't know!! [panics] Th-this can't be…! I thought I knew _everything _about the Final Fantasy series! [finishing with one Ultimania, he tosses it over his shoulder and begins flipping through the next] I've studied these things for hours! I've read them cover to cover! How could I miss a reference to a bat or a belt or a Maggie what's-its-or-other?? Is she a voice actor? Maybe from FFXII? But what's that got to do with bats?? [looking up somewhat wild-eyed at Kefka] You're not talking about moogles, are you?

Kefka: No… Err, it's not really a Fin—

Bartz: [tearing at his hair] Th-this can't be! I've done my research so thoroughly! I mean, how else could I hope to perfect my awesome ace-in-the-hole Mime techniques?!

Kefka: …You're a complete Final Fantasy otaku, aren't you?

Bartz: Yes!!! [continues flipping through his books]

[Kefka continues watching him for a moment and then half-heartedly does a handstand. When Bartz doesn't look up from his frantic research, Kefka proceeds to shoot fireballs at him, but they merely bounce off his Reflect spell. Finally, disheartened, Kefka sighs and turns to go.]

Kefka: Ohh, you're no fun at all… I give up… I'm leaving… [takes a few steps and glances pitifully over his shoulder at the oblivious Bartz] I'm really going to go now! [Still no response. With a heavy sigh, Kefka trudges away while the robot cams zoom around the still-frantically-researching Bartz for his victory footage.]

---

**Next Battle: Zidane vs. Jecht—GO!!!**


	8. Battle 4: Zidane vs Jecht

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4e: Battle 4— Zidane vs. Jecht**

[Having wrapped his battle up so early, Firion has decided to pop in to watch Zidane and Jecht's friendly sparring match. But when he arrives in the rocky expense of terrain that makes up Arena IV, it appears to be empty.]

Firion: Huh, that's weird. Where'd they go? [calling out] Zidane! Jecht! Where are you guys? [glancing around again] Hmm, maybe they finished early and went back to headquar—

[A gigantic explosion suddenly rocks the arena further down the hill. From behind a line of tall boulders, a singed Zidane comes hurtling out and takes off running for his life up the hill toward Firion.]

Firion: Zidane! There you are! What's going on? Where's—

Zidane: [panic] No time to explain, Firion—just RUN!!! [zooms past Firion]

Firion: Huh? Zidane, what's going— [leaps back in surprise as a barrage of fireballs comes shooting toward him] What the—?!

[He whirls around and watches in shock as a raging, fiery form with glowing red eyes and billowing masses of white hair leaps onto a stony outcrop and roars with feral ferocity.]

Firion: N-no way… Jecht…?

Jecht: [spotting him] RAWWWWRRRRRRGGGHHH!!! [makes an inhumanly huge leap straight toward Firion]

Firion: [frozen in shock] J-J-J—

Zidane: _SHIELD!! _

[The spell appears just in the nick of time in front of Firion and knocks Jecht back into a pile of boulders. Firion turns shakily to see Zidane running back toward him.]

Zidane: Don't just stand there like an idiot! Come on!! [grabs his wrist and takes off again]

Firion: [regaining his senses at last] Wh-what on earth happened?! Why is Jecht like that??

Zidane: I dunno, I think he went into berserker mode or something. I have no idea what happened!

Firion: Well what did you do?! What set him off??

Zidane: I dunno!! He was fine one second, talking to me all normal, and then this moogle doll came falling from the sky and landed in the ring. He took one look at it and went totally nutso.

Firion: Oh. …Uh, this might be beside the point, but—what's a moogle?

[Zidane screeches to a halt.]

Zidane: What?

Firion: [also stopping] Yeah, it sort of came up before too, and I was wondering—

Zidane: Wait—you really don't know what a moogle is?!

Firion: Uh, no?

Zidane: [gaping] Seriously?! Cute, cuddly, white mole-bat creature with bat wings and a little bauble on its head that says "Kupo??"

Firion: …I can't even _imagine_ what this thing could look like. [A roar of triumph from Jecht (who has just spotted them) brings him back to his senses] Uh, but can we talk about this later?

Zidane: [also breaking back into a run] Totally!

---

**Next Battle: Cloud vs. Cloud of Darkness—GO!!!**


	9. Battle 5: Cloud vs Cloud of Darkness

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4f: Battle 5— Cloud vs. Cloud of Darkness **

[In Arena V, a makeshift amphitheater carved straight out of the stone of a shallow gorge, Cloud stands with his sword drawn against Cloud of Darkness, who is casually looking him up and down. A cruel, lascivious smirk stretches her face.]

CoD: Ohhh, I'm so glad I was the one who got you…

Cloud: [guardedly] Why's that?

CoD: Oh, darling, don't tell me you're _that _dense. Haven't you noticed that all of us villains have been eyeing you since we arrived? After all, you're the _famous _Cloud Strife.

Cloud: Why do you— [breaks off as a column of thick vines suddenly shoots up out of the ground behind him and slams him against a nearby pillar of stone. The vines splinter off and wrap securely around his arms and legs, binding him to the rock.]

CoD: Oops, didn't I say "start?" Silly me~

Cloud: [struggling against his bonds] Cheap…shot…

CoD: [laughs] Oh, poor baby. Haven't you learned by now that villains never play fair? You shouldn't expect any mercy.

Cloud: [glares] Believe me, I don't.

CoD: [charmed] Well…! What pretty, pretty eyes—they almost glow when you're angry! [strides over and leans in very close, a seductive smile on her lips] Goodness, you _are _a dish, aren't you? You know, this doesn't have to be such an _unpleasant_ encounter between us, my sweet. What if I… [She reaches a gloved hand toward his cheek but Cloud turns his face away.]

Cloud: Don't touch me.

CoD: [laughs mockingly] So shy, my pet? I thought you didn't mind a villain's touch…

Cloud: [gaping] _What?!_

CoD: Now, now—oh! [leaps back hurriedly as Cloud tears free of his bindings in fury]

Cloud: [flushed and furious] How did you— What has he been saying about me?!

CoD: Oh, calm yourself, my sweet. It's not like your feelings aren't _painfully_ obvious anyway.

Cloud: [shaking his head fervently] No! I'm not—You've got it all wrong! I—

[In Cloud's moment of distraction, Cloud of Darkness manages to teleport directly behind him and wraps her clawed hands around his torso. The dark, sickly sweet-smelling miasma of her mind control magic spreads into the air around them.]

CoD: [whispering in his ear] Don't fight, my pet. Stop denying yourself your deepest wishes. Don't you see? You _want _to join us, to lose yourself in the soothing oblivion of the Darkness. And we are all waiting for you, Cloud—_he _is waiting for you. Come, lose yourself in the sweet embrace of the Darkness.

Cloud: [struggling to fight the spell's effects] No…!

CoD: [whispering] Come, give in. Give in like you _want_ to. It will be so easy, so nice. No more sadness. No more regret.

Cloud: N-no…! I won't—

CoD: No more solitude. No more longing.

Cloud: I-I'm…

CoD: Everything will be better, Cloud.

Cloud: [slipping into the trance] Everything… will be better…

CoD: That's right… It will feel so good… So safe…

Cloud: So good… So safe…

CoD: That's right. Come, let go. He is waiting for you… Only for you…

Cloud: He— [eyes suddenly regaining clarity] No, he's not!! [elbows CoD in the stomach and breaks free of her grip]

CoD: You little wretch!! How did you break my mind control?!

Cloud: [scooping up his sword and leveling it at her] Luneth warned me about you, but I didn't think you'd try to come at me that way.

CoD: [sneering] And why wouldn't I? It's always worked so _well_ on you in the past, hasn't it?

Cloud: Well, it won't work on me anymore!

CoD: Yes… your will is stronger than I had thought it would be. But it is no matter!

[She launches a storm of ice shards at him with an elegant wave of her arm. Cloud swipes them clean out of the air with a few slashes of his blade and then counters immediately with a blazing Blade Beam limit break. CoD leaps high into the air to avoid it and shoots an endless rain of fireballs down on Cloud in the same instant. Cloud throws up a fast barrier spell to block them.]

CoD: Your pathetic, little soul is at its breaking point! Drowning in your regrets, your misery, your despair, you have but a paper-thin screen left between you and the Darkness. What do you have left to live for, anyhow? You have exiled yourself away from your friends, your world—from love, from happiness! How could you even _want_ to live anymore?!

Cloud: [struggling to fend off her magical onslaught] I _have_ to live…! To make up for…what I've done… For Zack's sake—

CoD: Oh, for _Zack's sake,_ is it? [scoffs] I've heard _all about_ your heroic, little friend Zack. You say you're a replacement for him?

Cloud: No! I didn't say that!

CoD: Since you _stole_ his life from him, I suppose you must think you've inherited his heroism as well, hm? Well, tell me—if he had lived instead of you, would _he _have fallen under Sephiroth's will?

Cloud: …No…

CoD: Of course not. Because _he's _strong.

Cloud: …

CoD: And tell me this—if it had been Zack in the City of Ancients that day—would he have let the girl _die?_

Cloud: [visibly struggling] …No…!

CoD: That's right! _He_ wouldn't have stood there gawking like an idiot while she died _right before your eyes. He _would have saved her!

Cloud: [crumbling further] Stop…please…!

CoD: [laughs] Face it, my pretty fool—you're no replacement for him! You've only botched up everything he would have done right!

Cloud: Stop…!

CoD: You're a _failure—_a complete failure at everything you've tried to do! All you've ever succeeded in doing is getting innocent people killed.

Cloud: Stop it!!

CoD: [hissing] _Killer! _

Cloud: No! No, I didn't mean to—

CoD: Give yourself up to the Darkness now! It's where you belong!!

Cloud: ...

CoD: [mockingly] Oh, and it is _his _will as well, you realize? You'll do it if it's what _he _wants, won't you?

Cloud: …!

CoD: Hmm, little _puppet?_

[With a sudden roar, Cloud's shield bursts outward as he casts a ferocious Thundaga spell at her. Caught by surprise, CoD dodges frantically and gasps aloud as Cloud—having leapt up at her in a blinding-fast vault—catches her point blank with a deadly rain of meteors from a Meteorain limit break that sends her hurtling to the ground. She lands with a resounding crash, and before she can react, Cloud slams his massive blade into the ground a bare inch from her head.]

Cloud: [harshly] I'm _not_ a killer, and I'm _no one's_ puppet. Don't any of you ever forget that!

[Before CoD can even catch her breath for a retort, Cloud withdraws his sword, sheathes it with his usual flourish, and turns briskly on his heel to stalk toward the exit. As he passes under one of the floating robot cameras near the arena's gate, he mutters shortly into its video screen, "Victory, Heroes," and the machine beeps affirmatively.]

---

**Next Battle: Tidus vs. Golbez—GO!!!**


	10. Battle 6: Tidus vs Golbez

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4g: Battle 6— Tidus vs. Golbez**

[High up on a grassy plateau overlooking the sea, Tidus is circling the expansive castle ruins atop it that have been dubbed "Arena VI." Golbez is nowhere in sight.]

Tidus: [creeping along a wall] Golbeeeezzz~ Gooooolbeeeezzz~~ Come out, come out~ [pauses and scratches his head] Why'd he have to run off like that? He looks pretty strong… didn't think he'd be so afraid of me that he'd run off and hide.

[Shrugging to himself, he steps into the ruins of the castle's cathedral, which is still partially standing. A large, circular, half-intact stained glass window streams a rainbow of colors down into the dusky hall.]

Tidus: Heeeere, Golby, Golby, Golby~ [pauses and chuckles at himself] Sounds like a turkey, doesn't it?

[The sound of several wings flapping directs his attention toward the front of the cathedral, where the light from the stained glass window glints off a flock of doves in flight. Tidus watches them fly out the broken roof and then notes the large figure standing just beyond the illuminated patch of altar.]

Tidus: [raising his sword gamely] So, there you are! I was starting to get lonely, Golby—it's about time! And a good thing too—I was wondering how I'd be able to tell your doting brother that you'd hidden from me like a chicken the whole time~

[He approaches the figure steadily, but it does not move or respond. When he finally reaches the pool of light, he realizes the figure is not Golbez at all—it is a statue of a woman in a long gown.]

Tidus: [sheathing his sword] Aw, it's just a statue. C'mon now! Golbeeeeezzz!! [his voice echoes around the cavernous hall several times] Just come out and fight me already!! [More wing beats echo from under the bits of intact roof. Tidus looks up dourly and suddenly recognizes the statue.]

Tidus: Heeey… aren't you that goddess Nii-sama was telling us about? [approaches the statue eagerly] Cosmos… that's right. The Goddess of Light. [leaning an elbow casually on her extended stone arm] Well, that sort of makes you like our patron goddess, doesn't it? I guess the people who lived here on Dissidia once upon a time must've worshipped you too if they built you such a nice cathedral. [glances around] But I guess something must've happened to them…

Golbez: [stepping out of the shadows behind the altar] They were destroyed.

Tidus: !

[Before Tidus is able to do more than reach for his sword hilt, Golbez casts a lightning-fast Aeroga spell that hurls the hero the full, colossal length of the cathedral and slams him unrepentantly into the massive stone wall. Tidus slides to the floor unconscious.]

Golbez: Forgive the dishonorable attack, but I cannot linger here with a light-hearted fool like you.

[Just as he turns to go, however, he catches something bright in the corner of his eye. Whirling back toward the altar, Golbez finds the statue of Cosmos suddenly glowing with unearthly light. After a tense moment, he realizes that the luminescence is simply the stream of sunlight pouring down from the stained-glass window, moved a few inches onto the statue with the shifting of daylight. The glass's dappled light adds an almost lifelike glow to the goddess's stony features. Golbez stares at her and her hand, extended in invitation, for a long moment. His own hand twitches a bit in response, but he shakes his head at length and turns to go. As he exits the cathedral, a robot cam zooms belatedly past him into the cathedral.]

Golbez: [shaking his head] Too late. All too late.

---

**Next Battle: Warrior of Light vs. Kuja—GO!!!**


	11. Battle 7: Warrior of Light vs Kuja

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4h: Battle 7— Warrior of Light vs. Kuja**

[In the cavernous Arena VII, Warrior of Light is standing calmly amidst the eerily green-glowing flames of the metal sconces illuminating the many rocky pillars scattered about. Kuja's laughter rings out from the darkness, though he is nowhere to be seen.]

WoL: Come out, Kuja. Let us end this fight properly.

Kuja: Now, why would I want to do that? We've already established that you're stronger than me, so I'd simply lose if I tried to fight you head-on.

WoL: If you know the conclusion of our battle is foregone, surrender and I'll not harm you.

Kuja: Who said anything about the conclusion being foregone? I may not be able to overpower you, but I can certainly outmaneuver you!

[Listening keenly, Warrior of Light begins moving silently toward a certain corner of the cave.]

Kuja: You see, I've got something you haven't—imagination! Creativity! Not to mention a certain androgynous _je ne sais quoi~!_ [titters] And lucky for me, I got the perfect arena for keeping out of your sight!

WoL: Simply hiding from me will not bring you victory.

[A sudden shower of boulders comes rumbling down a steeply inclined rock wall, right above Warrior of Light. He spots it and leaps clear in the nick of time. But just as he touches down in the center of a clear stretch of cave, the floor around him lights up in the pattern of a sealing spell. He is now trapped within the luminous rays of the seal's circular emblem. Kuja emerges from behind a tall row of stalagmites, laughing mockingly.]

Kuja: My, my, you are a nimble one. But I anticipated that, of course—and now look who's caught in my little web, hm?

WoL: You laid a trap.

Kuja: [mockingly] How perceptive of you! [chuckles] And now you have no way to escape it. Even magic won't penetrate beyond the edge of that seal, so try all you might, you won't be able to lay a finger on me. The match is mine! [assumes a thoughtful pose] Now, what shall I do with you? Shall I be generous in my triumph and simply leave you here for Tet-chan's crew to find? Or should I make my victory a little more… [grins evilly] decisive…?

[Massive amounts of magic begin glowing in a brilliant halo around him.]

Kuja: Oh, you can go ahead and try putting up a shield spell, by the way—but casting magic in there will slowly drain your energy. [shoots a Firaga spell straight into the seal at Warrior of Light without warning; WoL dodges quickly out of the way.]

Kuja: Oh, it's no fun if you dodge my attacks! I want to see that placid face of yours in pain, hear you cry out for mercy! You see, I do like to see my victims under _terrible_ duress before I finish them…

WoL: …

Kuja: What? Are you shocked? [sly smile] I know—someone with as sweet and doll-like a face as mine couldn't _possibly _be so evil—that's what you're thinking, isn't it? [tosses his long, glossy locks] That's what you big, strong, chivalrous types always think. Perhaps I'm not as large and impressive as other entries in the Final Fantasy Pantheon of Evil, but I assure you, my black heart is the steeliest of all!

WoL: …

Kuja: [getting angry] What, are you pitying me now?!

WoL: You talk too much.

Kuja: _What?_

WoL: Villains in general. That is your great downfall.

Kuja: [sputtering in outrage] I—_talk—_too much?! How—how _dare _you?! "Talk too much"—the absurdity! The sheer brutish petulance! Of all the petty insults you could have hurled at me in your dire hour as a final rebellion, you chose to say I "talk" too much?! [laughs mockingly] Pitiful! And pathetically unenlightened!

[He begins pacing back and forth as he expounds, gesticulating with philosophical fervor.]

Kuja: Without talk, what is there? Dialogue is the intercourse of sentience, that which distinguishes and dignifies us from the meanness of beast and antiquated barbarism! To deny speech is to deny thought itself—and worse, to deny being! It was the great human philosopher Descartes who said, "I think, therefore I am." But I say, "I speak, therefore _you _know I am." As in Zen dogma, it is not enough for one simply to exist by oneself—the tree will fall in its forest, but it means nothing if none are there to see it fall—one's presence must be acknowledged by others, or else it means nothing to have existed at all!

[He pauses for a moment and turns a mean smile on the silent Warrior of Light.]

Kuja: Oh, I'm boring you again, aren't I? Well, _naturally_, someone like you who has barely enough mental sophistication to string together a voluble sentence would find matters of philosophy and poetic eloquence such as mine effusive—_overwhelming, _I dare say. [waves his hand dismissively] But to return to your impertinent remark, faulting me for _generously _sharing my heightened worldview with you before your imminent demise so that you might glean at least some shred of absolution or understanding as to how your oblivion will progress the grand schemes I envision is simply—

[Having finished casting his Dispel spell by quietly mouthing each syllable of the incantation one at a time so as not to attract Kuja's attention, Warrior of Light suddenly lunges forward with lightning speed as the seal summarily vanishes. Before Kuja can react, WoL has maneuvered nimbly around him and caught him from behind in mid-speech, clapping a bare hand against his forehead. As the Sleep Spell takes immediate effect and Kuja crumples forward, Warrior of Light catches him deftly in a firm hand and lowers him gently to the ground.]

WoL: Be still now, Kuja. Rest your troubled mind; then, with quiet in your heart, look calmly within yourself to determine what you truly desire. See then which road will lead you to it.

[WoL suddenly raises his head alertly, as though hearing something in the distance. A slight frown lowering his normally neutral brow, he turns and hurries out of the arena.]

---

**Next Battle: Cecil vs. Garland—GO!!!**


	12. Battle 8: Cecil vs Garland

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4i: Battle 8— Cecil vs. Garland**

[In the regal Arena VIII, lined with carved stone lion heads, Cecil is being hurled against the stadium wall.]

Garland: [approaching slowly with his hand outstretched for spell-casting] Resistance is futile…

Cecil: [hauling himself back to his feet and quickly casting a Barrier spell around himself] I will not surrender to you, villain…!

Garland: Ah… You speak as though you have such a moral high ground over me. But I _know_… [His gauntleted hand begins glowing blue as he charges up a spell. Cecil braces his magical shield for it.] I know all about you. The truth of your past. Your love of—your former life within—the Darkness…

[He launches a powerful Blizzaga spell at such close range that Cecil is nearly knocked off his feet, intact magical barrier and all. He manages to find his footing at the last instant and digs in to brace himself against the gale-force arctic winds.]

Garland: Of all your heroic brood, there is none who knows the Darkness as intimately as you, Shining Paladin. Even the troubled, conflicted souls of Cloud Strife and Squall Leonhart know nothing of the darkness you have tasted.

Cecil: I was a fool—a child. I knew no better than to take any power offered to me. I embraced darkness for strength's sake—to protect those I loved and respected. [redoubles his struggles to brace the shield spell] But I changed! When I realized what being a warrior of darkness meant—when I realized it would hurt the innocent—I broke free of my own will!

Garland: True. It is a soul of rare purity that can be so enveloped in darkness and yet retain its wish not to harm others. But the purest of hearts can be tainted, and yours is half mine as it is.

[He clenches his mammoth fist and dark energy crackles out of it. The Blizzaga spell evaporates but so does Cecil's barrier as he suddenly clutches his chest and collapses to the floor.]

Garland: There… do you feel it? The darkness in your heart responds to my call.

Cecil: [gasping for breath] No…! It's not true…!!

Garland: Why deny what your heart knows to be so? You should embrace it.

Cecil: No…!!

[Garland tightens his fist a fraction and Cecil cries out and staggers forward again.]

Garland: Do not struggle, my Dark Knight… Why fight it? Why suffer so? The hurts of this world—of feeling, of caring, of loss—why not let it all go? I offer you strength beyond your imagining—the strength to live fiercely, freely, liberated from the chains of care and conscience! It is a beautiful world, my knight… Come, open your heart to me…

[A bolt of white lightning streaks across the arena and strikes the ground between them, causing Garland to jump back. He breaks his magical grip on Cecil and whirls around furiously to find Warrior of Light standing high atop the arena wall, his white cape caught heroically in the stiff breeze.]

Warrior of Light: You have gone too far, Garland.

Garland: How dare you interfere with me?!

Warrior of Light: This was to be a match of arms. You are unjust in using your power over darkness to manipulate your opponent's heart.

Garland: What matter is it to you if I impress my will upon my own retainer?

WoL: Cecil is a hero—a warrior of goodness. He is not of your fold.

Garland: You can see the darkness in his heart as clearly as I do. I have a claim to him.

WoL: It is the will and choice of a person that determines which side he stands for—not an absolute purity or darkness of the heart. One who embraced darkness and soaked his hands in innocent blood can find redemption if he is willing to suffer his just punishments and choose a life of good thereafter.

Garland: Such hopeful dogma… [drawing his huge broadsword with a resounding scrape and leveling it at Warrior of Light] Once a heart has tasted darkness, it can never go back!

WoL: [drawing his own blade] That is not so!

Cecil: [raising himself painfully to his feet] Wait, Warrior-sama… It's all right. I can continue the fight. I will not be taken by his tricks again.

Garland: Arrogant, little—

Cecil: [tossing his cape back and hefting his sword into battle stance] I am not a warrior of darkness! I choose to fight for the light!!

Garland: You are a fool and a coward to deny your true nature, Cecil Harvey!

Cecil: You're wrong—it is my true nature I embrace! [He begins charging a brilliant Holy spell] I was never a servant of darkness even when I wore the armor of the Dark Knight. My objective to protect others has never wavered, and neither has my heart. Know my true nature now, villain!!

[He unleashes the enormous force of the spell and it races in a dazzling blaze at his opponent. Garland snarls and throws up a barrier of dark energy around him. The Holy spell continues pressing into it, however, forcing Garland to expand his shield in one huge gust to push both spells to their breaking points. Both opponents stagger a little from the drain of their magical energy, though Cecil clearly looks the worse for wear. He keeps his grip on his sword however and poises again for battle. Garland straightens, his breathing already even again, and sheathes his sword.]

Garland: You are at your limit, paladin.

Cecil: Draw your sword! I can still fight!

Garland: [grunts in derision] Ha. Fools always cling so stubbornly. [His massive, helmeted head glances briefly up at Warrior of Light, who is staidly watching the match from his elevated vantage point.] You were a fool to interrupt me here. Had I gained my new disciple, the situation at hand would have been resolved.

WoL: You cannot undo what has already been done, Garland. Final Fantasy IV has run its course and I'll not allow you to interfere with its people's lives again.

Garland: So be it. [turning to Cecil again] Sheathe your sword, paladin. I have no interest in finishing you here.

Cecil: Then… the match is a draw?

Garland: [shrugs slightly] These petty games hold no significance to me. [He turns and strides out one of the massive gates of the arena, leaving Warrior of Light to tend to Cecil's injuries. As he exits the long tunnel to the rocky cliff side beyond, he pauses.]

Garland: So you came after all.

[Only silence answers him.]

Garland: …It is truly a shame. I had been sure that his long exposure to Darkness would turn him eventually to our side.

Golbez: [emerging from a rocky crevice] …Sometimes, it is when the darkest night encroaches that light shines its brightest.

Garland: I had hoped for your sake that it would not be so.

Golbez: Thank you. But you will never win my brother's soul.

Garland: …I believe you are right.

---

**Next Battle: Squall vs. Sephiroth—GO!!!**


	13. Battle 9: Squall vs Sephiroth

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

---

**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4j: Battle 9— Squall vs. Sephiroth**

[In the epic Arena IX, hedged in by high stone walls and surrounded by Roman columns, Squall slowly approaches the center of the ring where Sephiroth stands awaiting him, the wind tossing his long coat and hair picturesquely.]

Sephiroth: Well, well—it's Squall, isn't it?

Squall: Flattered you remembered.

Sephiroth: You were calling yourself something else the last time we met though, weren't you?

Squall: "Leon." …It was just easier to go by a pseudonym.

Sephiroth: [laughs lowly] It is—when you're trying to hide from people you know.

Squall: …

Sephiroth: [tilts his head, grinning slightly] Oh? Not in the mood to talk about it?

Squall: …No.

Sephiroth: [raises his sword] Shall we get to it, then?

Squall: [raises his sword as well] Let's.

[Squall charges fiercely forward; Sephiroth does as well and leaps immediately to the attack. Squall is prepared for the speed and parries well. They exchange a few fierce blows before their blades lock together for a moment.]

Squall: [abruptly] I'm so glad I was the one who got to face you today.

Sephiroth: [smirks, thinking he's gained yet another obsessive fan] Oh?

Squall: Yeah—because I've been wanting to _beat the shit out of you_ since yesterday.

[Sephiroth's grin broadens, an eyebrow arching in interest.]

Sephiroth: Well, that's interesting. [their blades finally break their deadlock; the two leap lightly apart and begin circling one another] And to what do I owe the honor of such fervent animosity?

[Squall says nothing and jumps forward to attack again; Sephiroth parries easily but shoves Squall back rather than beginning his usual relentless counterattacks]

Sephiroth: Really, I'm very curious now. [Squall charges silently again—and again, Sephiroth parries and pushes him back] Have I fought you somewhere before? Or did I, perhaps, hurt someone you care about?

[Squall's eyes narrow and he redoubles his attacks. They exchange a few hard blows, with Squall fighting very aggressively; Sephiroth finally manages to leap back away from the onslaught.]

Sephiroth: [conversationally] It's funny—I don't recall killing or very seriously maiming anyone since I began traveling the worlds.

Squall: You didn't have to. You already did enough killing and maiming for fifty lifetimes on your own world.

Sephiroth: [laughs] I suppose you're right. But who is it from my world that you care so much about then? I didn't think we'd had any visitors from other worlds aside from my dear mother.

Squall: …

Sephiroth: [shrewdly] It must have been someone you met on your journeys. At Traverse Town, perhaps?

Squall: Just shut up and fight me!

[He charges again; they fight seriously for a while with neither really gaining an advantage over the other, though Sephiroth does not appear to be fighting all out. As a result, Squall manages to get in a good blow that sends Sephiroth reeling back.]

Sephiroth: Well! You're not half bad.

Squall: [breathing hard] And you're not taking me seriously, you bastard. [raises his sword]

Sephiroth: [grinning evilly] Does that offend you?

Squall: It's fine with me. Just don't be surprised when I kill you.

Sephiroth: [laughs outright] You? Kill _me?_

Squall: I will too, you bastard.

Sephiroth: [meaner smile] Do you know how many men—_and _women—I have killed in battle? More than you can count, I assure you, and many that were far superior swordsmen to you. Take Cloud, for instance—

Squall: Shut the hell up!! [charges]

Sephiroth: [parries, though not as easily as before, and continues with a smirk] You've met him, haven't you? As gloomy as he seems in daily life, he's actually quite the spirited fighter—_you_ could take a lesson from him, no doubt. True, he wasn't much a match for me in the beginning, but as the years wore on and the number of times we crossed blades increased, he became quite formidable. [chuckles almost fondly, but with his usual villainous edge] Ahh, dear Cloud—

[He is forced to cut off and leap back when Squall suddenly lunges so viciously he nearly skewers Sephiroth through the middle.]

Squall: [eyes blazing] I said enough!! Don't you _ever_ say his name again, you sick, twisted sonofabitch!

Sephiroth: [goes deadly serious] What?

Squall: [as he charges hard and fast] I said shut the hell up!!

[Sephiroth is now parrying seriously, but Squall's attack is so fierce he is sincerely being pushed back, unable to throw in a blow of his own]

Squall: [as he slams his sword down repeatedly] I am so _sick_and _tired_of your twisted little mind games! How long are you going to string him along before you finally let him go? Hasn't he suffered enough for you?!

Sephiroth: [eyes darkening] Stay away from Cloud.

Squall: What a coincidence—that's _exactly_what I wanted to say to you!

Sephiroth: You have no right—

Squall: No,_you_have no right! No right to say that, and no right to have done any of the things you've done—to Cloud, or to any of your victims! [jumps back and charges up a huge amount of magic] That's why I'm going to end your miserable existence right here!

Sephiroth: [smiles humorlessly] Is that it, then? Is that where your fury rages from? For the sake of dear, little Cloud?

Squall: I said, shut the hell up!! [launches the Ultima spell]

Sephiroth: [a very mean smile and his most penetrating, cold gaze] Are you in _love _with him, then? [tosses a Barrier spell up casually to deflect Ultima and begins stalking steadily forward, a very dangerous smile on his face] Is that why you _so_ wanted to fight me today? So that you could kill me and heroically "save" little Cloud from me?

Squall: [coldly again, charging a Firaga spell] Love has nothing to do with it. It just pisses me off to see someone manipulating an honest man's feelings like that!

[Squall hurls the Firaga spell at Sephiroth; the villain simply swipes it away with his blade, never pausing in his steady approach]

Sephiroth: [grins] Liar. But what makes you think you even stand a chance? Do you think it would bring Cloud any satisfaction to have you finish me off for him? Do you think he'd even be happy to hear that I'd died?

Squall: Shut up!!

[He charges violently forward again; this time, however, there is no amusement in Sephiroth's eyes as he raises his sword and attacks at full, blinding speed, his sword slicing in from all angles so quickly that Squall can barely manage to block each lethal strike. Squall finally loses his footing and is slammed back into a rocky wall with rib-cracking force. Before he has even caught his breath, he realizes the danger and opens his eyes just in time to see Sephiroth stabbing his sword mercilessly straight toward his throat.]

Ultimecia: HOLD!!

[Sephiroth abruptly freezes where he stands. It is not that he has obeyed the order—Ultimecia has used her time-stopping magic on him. Glancing to his left, Squall spots the time witch standing with her clawed hands outstretched authoritatively, having emerged from between two columns nearby. Sephiroth remains frozen in place, his blade a hair's breadth from Squall's throat]

Ultimecia: Hold, Sephiroth! Remember the plan. We have need of him yet.

[Sephiroth's face is cold, unreadable, but he seems to be listening. After a moment, Ultimecia releases her spell. He does not break his stance, however, and for a moment, Squall fears his life may yet be over. At length, Sephiroth steps back and lowers his sword. Ultimecia inclines her head slightly toward him in thanks. Sephiroth sheathes his sword but looks back coldly at Squall one more time.]

Sephiroth: Whatever you think you can do for him, Cloud is _mine_, boy. Don't you forget it.

[He turns and stalks away after Ultimecia; Squall slumps back against the stone, allowing his breathing to slow down. He feels vaguely at his throat and finds blood from the shallow incision Sephiroth's sword made and casts a Cure spell to heal it.]

Squall: [clenching his fist] …Damn it.

---

**Final Battle: Terra vs. Emperor—GO!!!**


	14. Battle 10: Terra vs Emperor

"Tales of Dissidia"

By DarkCyradis

Edited: 8.25.09

Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Dissidia, Final Fantasy and all the wonderful games, characters and derivative works thereof.

Note: Luneth replaces Onion Knight as the FF3 hero b/c I started writing this before that particular announcement.

Warnings: AU story. General silliness, doses of OOC-ness and extreme crack! Please take it all with a grain of salt. ^^; PG-13 for language. Some BL. Mild spoilers for FFI – X.

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**TALES OF DISSIDIA**

**Chapter 4k: Battle 10— Terra vs. Emperor **

[Huffing and puffing, Tet-chan staggers up the last of the 100+ stone steps leading to the secluded Arena X, high in the volcanic hills. His headset crackles, reminding him again that the battles are running too far behind, his schedule is shot to hell, etc, etc, and nods to himself determinedly. Catching his breath, he pushes the stone gates of the arena open and finds an unexpected sight beyond.]

[In the ring, there are two very large magical shields in place on opposite ends. Terra stands tense and poised for battle in one. In the other, Emperor—having somehow procured a beautifully carved and expensive-looking low-backed throne—is plopped comfortably in his seat, legs crossed, a dark glass of wine in one hand. A wan smile plays on his lips.]

[At the sound of Tet-chan's approaching footsteps, Terra looks up.]

Terra: Tet-chan!

Tet-chan: Terra! Emperor! What on earth is going on? Why is your battle taking so long?? Is there a problem?

Emperor: No problem at all, Tet-chan. We were just pausing our battle for a moment.

Tet-chan: Pausing? Why?

Terra: [looking very uncomfortable] I don't know. He just stopped fighting me about twenty minutes ago and put a shield up.

Tet-chan: Emperor, what is the meaning of this?! This isn't supposed to be a battle of attrition! Did you think Terra would give in if you made her wait long enough?

Emperor: [smoothly] Nothing of the kind, my dear sir! I simply wanted to take this exquisite opportunity of having Miss Terra all to myself to bask in the radiance of her beauty.

Tet-chan: Huh??

Terra: [blushing violently] H-he keeps saying things like that and refuses to fight me or lower his shield so I can fight him!

Emperor: My dear, you have already won this battle. Just allow my piteous self to linger and gaze upon your heavenly countenance a little longer…

Tet-chan: … … … … …

Terra: [looking at Tet-chan pleadingly] Tet-chan…?

Tet-chan: I… I have no words… … …

Terra: But can't you do something…?

Tet-chan: Err, about villains and sexual harassment? No. They really have carte blanche for that kind of thing, unfortunately… [glancing hastily at Emperor] Except, of course, for the game rating—rated T for Teens in the US, so keep it "T-level," got it?

[Emperor only chuckles mysteriously in response.]

Terra: But what about the stalemate? Don't the rules of the tournament say anything about that?

Tet-chan: [scratches his head] Well… to be honest, we hadn't thought to set a time limit. We just kind of figured gathering up a big bunch of villains and heroes, forcing you all to spend an entire night in a compulsory truce and then letting you loose on each other the next morning would result in some terrifically vicious and decisive battles, so, uh… I guess we're kind of stuck?

Terra: But… But we can't just keep standing out here all day!

Tet-chan: Certainly not! We've got several more events planned for today! [clears his throat and turns to the villain] Now, look, Emperor, I know mental manipulation and seduction are kind of specialties of yours and it would almost go against principle for you _not _to try to charm and harass any hero that crosses your path, but we really don't have time for your games right now. [taps his wristwatch] We're on a schedule, and the schedule must be adhered to!

Emperor: [languidly] A shame you're not so strict with your release schedule…

Tet-chan: _What?!_

Emperor: But my dear Tet-chan, who said this was any kind of a game? [stands regally and dispels his barrier with a wave of a hand] You wrong the lady in assuming that my enraptured entreaties to her are not wrought most sincerely by the power of her own charms.

Tet-chan: It's not her charms I doubt—it's the imperviousness of your cold, narcissistic heart.

[Emperor ignores his comment and approaches Terra (who has also dispelled her barrier). Lowering himself gracefully to one knee before her, he takes her hand and kisses it lightly.]

Emperor: [gazing soulfully up at her] You have conquered me, my lady. I yield to you.

Terra: H-huh?!

Tet-chan: [gaping] So… it's Terra's victory?

Terra: [flushing] Oh, goodness, no! I-I barely did anything to deserve… [trails off, caught in Emperor's hypnotically intense golden gaze]

Emperor: [smooth as silk] You underestimate your power, my lady. The beauty of your eyes alone is enough to slay any heart. The victory is yours.

Terra: N-no, I… [manages to pull her gaze away and turns to Tet-chan] It's a draw, then.

Tet-chan: [nods dumbly] Well, okay, if you say so. [into headset] Did you copy that? Battle 10 is a draw, no victories.

Emperor: [straightening and drawing closer to Terra] My lady… that was unspeakably generous of you. I tell you, if you had drawn your sword and pierced my heart with it, I could not have protested in that moment.

Terra: P-please, don't say such things…! W-we're enemies…

Emperor: [lifting her chin delicately to face him] Forgive me for distressing you, gentle lady, but I cannot help myself. Love knows no lines of nation, creed or demarcation… [pulls her hand up to press it lingeringly against his lips; Terra's face turns many shades redder but she is enchanted despite herself.] Please, my goddess, take mercy on a poor, be-smitten heart and say you'll dine with me tonight…?

Terra: I… I… [letting go of her misgivings at last] I would be delighted.

Tet-chan: T-Terra, maybe that's not such a—

[He cuts off as Emperor shoots him a dazzling and somehow chilling smile.]

Emperor: Thank you for your help, Tet-chan. We'll see ourselves back to headquarters. [turning back to Terra with a dashing smile, he offers his arm] My dear?

[Tet-chan watches them walk off under the lowering sky, his expression a bit uneasy.]

Tet-chan: [trying to reassure himself] Well, Terra can take care of herself, after all… And anyway, what harm could there be in it? One week, and we're whisking them all back to their respective worlds anyway. I mean, how much trouble could the villains cause in a measly week, after all…?

[The ominous rumble of thunder in the distance is his only reply.]

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Well, that's it for this time, folks. If you enjoyed any of the battles, please review and let me know what you liked, what you weren't so hot on, WHO YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF (lots of plotlines running around, so let me know which ones need more screentime! ;-D). Thank you again for reading!!

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Next time—

Chapter 5: Regroup & Re-shoot?


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